Keeping The Home Fires Burning

For real...

2012-01-24T05:07:00.000-08:00

I'd laugh really hard about this if my head didn't hurt so bad, but I had a moment last night where I was laying in the bathroom floor with my laptop and algebra book attempting to take a quiz through a fever haze and bouts of hanging over the toilet. Both the girls were on the floor outside the door, head to the crack, Mady asking very important questions like, (I kid you not) "Mom, why don't all kids have neighbors? Mom. Mama. It's portant!" While Ash shoved arts and crafts materials in because she just couldn't get Fredrick Douglass' coat just right. It's times like this that I think I want my adult card revoked. I'll be glad to go back to the awkwardness of middle school even...I just need an excused absence sick day and some TLC from my mama.

Grace for a life...

2012-01-20T08:10:00.000-08:00

...A life led by the Spirit. I've been slowly piecing together a challenge for church and as I've written, God's challenged me, more than I'm having the chance to challenge others. I realize this is usually the way it goes. But about three months ago He really pointed out to me what His heart was for my life...A life lived in grace and led by His Spirit. That abundantly covers all the bases for me. Being a woman. Being a wife and mother. Being me, fully.

I looked back over the things I've written in the last two years. It's the pictures of my struggle or triumph and a lot of times it's hard to read. Depression has been very real and very demanding. So have Ashlin's struggles. There aren't too many funny recounts of life at my house. But there've been beautiful days and there've been days where laughter rattled our walls. There've been days where I found healing in time spent with others. We truly lead a FULL, running over, abundant life with people I love and am truly thankful for. I guess those things don't always make it here.

In the last three weeks our lives have taken a HUGE turn and Ash went back into school. After years of piecing together the puzzle for her, we finally have some answers and moving forward is like breathing after being held under the water. Relief. I could not have planned this path we've taken, but God's been in it so evidently. She LOVES it. How shocking is that? She's doing well. Another shock! And she's getting help without me having to be the prison warden with the school staff. A role I'm glad to relinquish.

It's answering those quiet whispers. Moving sometimes without even thinking about it. It's knowing that I live a life led by Him. Because I certainly could not have planned this. I wouldn't have, in fact. He would have been with us whatever we'd chosen, but I'm so thankful for where He's led us as we've sought Him out.

Then there's the grace. It's so HUGE. And so all encompassing. He's given me the freedom to live and move and love. And says He's with me as I go.

I won't lie. This post will probrably follow suit with others that have come just before it. I've really struggled with depression for the past 6 months. Hit a lower low than I've ever experienced. But God's been my comforter. I have a really hard time asking for prayer because there have been times where I feel like it seperates me from people as I do share. And that makes it even lonlier. A little more hopeless. But, at John's prompting I went back to the dr. only to discover I had next to no seratonin. So we've changed meds. and that has had a whole other host of side effects.

But I'm sharing all this to say...I re-read some of the things God had challenged me to for January and December. Things like my normal 5 mile a day walk. Time with Him. Reading Psalm 63 daily. Doing thing that are just for me. Connecting with people I love. But choosing to make them all a priority and not an after thought. All things that not only help to combat the depression but challenge me to seek Him as I'm healing. Grace for a life led by His Spirit. He knows my needs and puts things in place to take care of me. I'm undone by that at times.

And I know I've shared this with lots of people in the past few months. It's become my mantra. But...read Psalm 63 with me. Let it wash over you. His love is better than all this life can offer me. I love David's words about meditating on God through the watches of the night. There have been times in my life when I was depressed that sleep was more than difficult. And I love to think of this during those times..."when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy." And I do. There are times where all I can do is sing. God is so good. So faithful.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
But those who seek to destroy my life
shall go down into the depths of the earth;
they shall be given over to the power of the sword;
they shall be a portion for jackals.
But the king shall rejoice in God;
all who swear by him shall exult,
for the mouths of liars will be stopped.

And just because I'm concentrating on doing things I love, here's one of my favorite, melancholy songs. That I'm sure will drive some crazy. But me, it makes me throw my head back and sing. I love Copeland. But I love the words of this song. I know where he's coming from... and I really just love to sing. So I do!

But, I really wanted to spend some time this morning reminding myself in the midst of all this change that God's given me grace for a life led by the Spirit. And I want to live it well.

Something borrowed, something blue...

2011-09-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

This is a trip down memory lane. I took it yesterday afternoon with the girls both in my lap, laughing so hard they could hardly stand it. I wanted them to be a part of remembering with me. The beginnings of their mommy and daddy. 10 years ago tomorrow.

I told them the story from the beginning. Because where else would I start?

I love this picture, for so many reasons. I look ridiculous and drunk (I was not). We rocked a mini van all the way to Blue Ridge (courtesy of The Downs Family), full of candy and bridesmaids dresses. Notice the foil and toilet paper veil Annie and Jenn made me. Amazing. The night before the wedding, we crammed into a room at the Cohutta Lodge. And while they all slept, I stared at the ceiling.

We got our hair done at the only salon in Blue Ridge. They shut the place down for us. They were so cute and so southern. And we spent the morning laughing like we were in Steel Magnolias. They made us pose for all kinds of picture afterwards...a 30 minute photo shoot in our sweats.
When we got home from the honeymoon and friends started sending us pictures, this one made me roll in the floor. My mother in law will appreciate this story 10 years later. But, this was taken moments after meeting her for the first time. She'd driven in from Oklahoma with her husband and here we stood in the parking lot at the lodge. Awkward at best. Then she says, "Oh wait, I have a gift for you." I thought...hmmm, dishes or a nice picture frame.

Please take in all the nuance of the picture as I describe what's going on. She hands me the box and it's incredibly light. I look at my best friend Jennifer and think...oh no. It can't be. I open it slowly to find a white lace nighty.

I'm in a parking lot.

This is my mother in law, whom I just met. Seconds prior.

Please note the disgust on Jenn's face. The hand that says, "Here, let me take it from you."

Erin in the background doing her best to find her happy place anywhere but there.

My mother in law, ecstatic telling me. "Oh, I hope I got you the right size. I can't wait to hear how it fits." No. Lie. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
We spent the day at Wal-Mart picking through lip gloss, dancing on the green lawn in the sun, laughing in our flip-flops and sweats, making decisions about chairs and toulle. Doing nothing but enjoying the day.

Then came the photographers. Utterly obnoxious. Terribly bossy. And we got to the point that we just laughed at them. This was a moment I still remember vividly. Laurel behind the camera. Laughing from the white lawn chairs at the chaos the photographers were causing. That's the photographer's hand in the corner. I won't tell you what Annie and I were doing, but it still makes me giggle. And Jenn's face is classic next to us.
This....is why we picked this place.
At this point in my life, these sweet ladies were two of the best friends I'd ever had. So loved sharing this day with them. They helped make it what it was. Magic.
Sweet friends. Friends I still treasure.
My dress...almost weighed as much as I did.
My favorite moments...

We've been friends since we were 4. I walked into Sunday school and there she was. We've been best friends ever since. Our kids play together now. How crazy is that?! And this is the perfect wordless description of our friendship...Love it!
My precious Uncle John. Who looked like a WWF wrestler. Hugged like a teddy bear. And whom I loved fiercely. My heart breaks a little every time I see this...
A defining moment in the day for me...another similar to the one in the parking lot...with the nighty. John's grandmother catches me. Hand over my heart. And just at the moment the picture was taken, she tells me to give her a call if John isn't gentle...you can fill in the blanks. She was tottally serious.
Let there be dancing.

This is SO my dad and I. Singing. I'm sure in harmony. To a Nat King Cole song. Precious.

John's favorite part of the evening by far. He calls it, "that ugly song you sang to me". Someone to Watch Over Me. It had been in my vocal repetoire for years. Sung at many competitions and auditions. It was and still is one of my favorites. I was so excited to get to sing it to him and mean it.

And one line in the song says...although he may not be the man some girls think of as handsome, to my heart he carries the key...And this picture was taken as he was telling me how ugly that was. Made us all laugh. Good stuff.
My dad, telling John how proud is was of him. The two men in my life. Both of them irreplacable.
There was no choice in tossing the garter. John just put it on Matt's arm. And they had a good chuckle over it.
A precious group of friends, who had loved me, laughed with me, cried with me, prayed with me, and encouraged me through so much of my life. A discipleship group that started when we were in the 6th grade that met until the day we graduated high school. This isn't all of them. But I was thankful for the ones that were able to be there...and missed the ones who couldn't.
This picture is so cheesy. Yet, it's been one of my favorites since that huge album of proofs came home. Ten years later, it is our life together. Hands in. Commited. In love. And more beautiful and dear to me now than I ever could have imagined that day.

Things I said I'd never...

2011-09-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

At 5:30 this morning I found myself up and sweating, intentionally. I HATE early mornings, friends. And though by necessity I have to get up earlier than I would like to most mornings…5:30 was off limits and reserved for others. Not me. Me and 7:00, have been good friends for years.

And when I was finished I flopped myself down on my bed like normal, to read and pray. My sacred hour before anyone gets up and I’m quiet and alone. It is good.

I woke up this morning with the words to a song floating in my head…Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know that He is holy. Be still, O restless soul of mine. Bow before the Prince of Peace, let the noise and clamor cease… And there is more to the rich, sweet song, like a lullaby, but those were stuck on repeat. I opened my devotional to find, “And He arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm Mark 4:39.” The words that followed seemed almost useless after I realized where God was headed…after my heart again. He’s sneaky sometimes.

I told friends last night that my Ashlin and her struggles were breaking my heart. And that it feels just like that some days…a storm, and we’re stuck. I easily go back to that tempting spot where worry comforts. And I find myself stuck in my metaphorical thinking spot…”Think, think, think. Oh, bother.” But God was telling me this morning to give it over to Him. And BE STILL. Embrace today.

At 7:30 this morning I stopped. I laughed out loud. Madalyn, after I’d just fixed her overnight bird’s nest of hair (cute pink bow in place, braids just so) was laying with her dress over her head, halfway under my bed, singing something undistinguishable to hear it echo through the mattress. And of course, she’d tucked her turkey bacon between her knees…because where else would it go?

Ashlin sat at the desk in the corner of my room, bouncing on a yoga ball, drinking coffee (yes you read right), while chewing gum, and playing with her favorite spiky squish ball. All while doing her first assignment for the day. And actually getting it done and doing well (sounds like a bad example from a what not to do while parenting lesson). Never. Never have I ever, thought we’d be here. I could not HELP but laugh.

So, I told the Lord in the quiet that followed after carpool and quiet reading time, that all the new places and directions He’s leading; the direction we desperately need, I will do my best to willingly embrace and then be at peace.

5:30 mornings, if that’s what it takes. Yoga balls during spelling. A little coffee for focus. And turkey bacon between your knees while you sing through the mattress. It’s all so good.

Alex in a Nutshell...

2011-08-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

The four of us, John, Tammy, Perry and I, have talked at length about what we’re taking away from the past twelve days. It’s hard to reach conclusions on the end of something so big. So, I’m sitting here, pen in hand, the third flight in two days, and I’m determined to figure some of it out.

I spent years of my youth globe hopping, chasing God’s movement across parts of Asia and more of South America than I can truly remember. From quite a young age, missions stole my heart. What I love about that now as a 31 year old, suburban wife, and mother of two is that all that traveling, all that heart tugging, the draw to share God’s heart to the nations, was preparation for where I am today. I’m coming home confident, beyond any shadow that my little white house on Cedar Mill Lane holds just as powerful a pull as a Buddhist monastery in Thailand once did. This is revolutionary for me.

See, for years, after I left the study and pursuit of world missions, I harbored some resentment that God would call me away from something I loved so dearly. But I obeyed. Even if it left an ache in my heart and a lump in my throat. And on occasion, an angry conversation with God.

As my girls were born, my world began to open up. Not only was God growing them but He was growing me. And sometimes in really painful and difficult ways. In 2007 and after years of vocal study, I felt God saying it was time for something new. And it was then that I dove head first into counseling and Psychology at Liberty, where my heart is to minister to children and families…mommies in particular.

Then there was a day in the fall, two years ago. Sitting in traffic with my girls and I had been battling my worth and purpose for days. I had been dwelling on how God wasn’t allowing me to be used the way I wanted to be used…why am I here God when there are millions who don’t know you over there? Then over the afternoon traffic on Star 94 and giggles from two brown heads in the back seat, God told me to turn around and take a good look. Because here’s what I called you home for, Danielle. They are that important. And that was the beginning of some major heart change in me.

God’s continued to challenge my heart and perspective. But, I feel as if these days away turned my heart even further. In a place of the fatherless, a place where women have no voice and very little influence, I realized what a powerful gift I’ve been given. God trusted me with two precious hearts to love, encourage, strengthen, and grow. The most effective thing I can give them is my love for their Heavenly Father. An example of a flawed heart that follows hard after Him and loves them passionately from that place.

I’m convinced that they will be my greatest calling. And I’m saying this and meaning it, whole heartedly, for the first time in my life.

I’ve always loved that verse that talks about our children standing on our shoulders and doing greater things than we. I have a new respect for it. I see it as a challenge. God I want to devote them to you. I’m going to make mistakes. Big ones. But be there in a real way to meet them, when I’m enough and when I’m not. You are my goal for them.

Can you imagine the power in the years ahead of them? Imagine the things God’s going to do with them? New doors. Roads unexplored. Challenges I can’t fathom. But isn’t it exciting to be a part of something with as much worth and potential as a child’s heart?

Do you have children? Do you see them? Maybe you struggle with finding real value in parenthood, like me? Ask God about it! This is big! It should be the call of our hearts as Christians…how are we tending God’s children? They are your legacy and your mission field. What are you leaving behind?

Friday night fill-in...

2011-08-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

It’s 8:00 on Friday evening. Which means that normally everything outside would be just keying up again, after Ifthar. I can hear the lazy chanting over the loudspeakers from several mosques that are near by. They mingle in a most interesting way with the noise from the streets, taxis, street cars, busy bustling life outside. It is so quiet in comparison to the evenings of the past week, where they’ve shot off cannons, blasted music, and basically partied until at least 2:00 every morning. Both a product of life here and the celebration of Ramadan. But today is Friday. And Fridays are “Sundays” here. So life has nearly ceased. Such a dichotomy to the normal rhythm of life in these streets.
We decided to go to church this morning. And as we walked past the gates the quiet seemed almost scary. It’s never quiet here during the day. We meandered towards the main street where we’ve been cactching taxis, our daily little march through the sandy, broken up, garbage littered streets. And normally we play “dodge that taxi”, but this morning we walked. Casually. Together. And like always as we hailed two taxis and told the drivers, “Shutz Academy, 15 pounds”, they both nodded and said “yes, yes”. We always assume they know where they’re going when they agree. Silly Americans. You should know better by now. We asked them to stay together. They didn’t. And when I say we had the scariest taxi ride we’ve had yet, that’s saying a lot! We drove down the Corniche (the coastal highway) at 120 miles an hour (no exaggeration). Only honking the horn to indicate others better move out of the way. I’m not sure he used his brakes until we turned back towards the city. And then we realized he had no idea where we were going. He began asking John, in Arabic, the address. Oh no. Wendy and Blu experienced the same thing. We were dumped roadside and left to figure it out on our own. And I don’t know how many times we’ve said it this week, but we said again, “Thank God for GPS”, as John whipped it out and pointed us towards the alley, that led to more alley, that led to more alley, until we finally came up on the school and were pushed through the gates by guards.
Do you remember Maranatha worship? It was the order of the day. All 80’s all the time during worship. We will HAVE to update the Pearson’s often with new stuff from home. Wendy says it’s essential. But it was precious to hear it sung with an Arabic lilt. There was such a mix in the little auditorium of faces and races. I loved it. The sermon title, “The Road Less Traveled”. A description of what the Pearson’s are walking out now…denying themselves and asking God to take over, regardless how hard. Isn’t God good? And the Pearson’s made some connections with others who have been in the same place they’re in now. Starting out. Needing direction and encouragement. We’re praying they continue to make connections like these as they search for home. I know they’re tired. It hasn’t been easy. They’re incredibly brave.
We left in search of a post-church meal. Just like home. Instead today, we walked with new friends from Uganda. And the streets were blocked at times by hundreds of men on prayer mats, spilling out of mosques. There were no women. And it took me some time to absorb that they’re not invited. Not allowed to worship. Can you imagine? My heart breaks for their hearts. They seem to be kept in cages. Don’t speak. Don’t look. Walk 2 steps behind me. They have no value. They’re covered and hidden and shushed. They don’t know there’s any other way. So I imagine they don’t share in my grief, but I make a point to look them in the eyes when they’ll meet mine. To tell them with a look that I see them and know their value with a smile. At least that’s what I wish they saw there. I’m sure most of the time they just see strawberry blonde hair and fair skin. I am a novelty. We all are for that matter. Sore thumbs, most definitely.

It feels almost like we’re living in a bubble, here in the halls of the monastery where we’re staying. It’s quiet. It’s clean. We have rare, cool air. Faces are friendly (I can actually look into faces here, where outside, I must keep my head down and walk behind the men). Perry and John have made friends and play a nightly game of Frisbee with the monks. And sometimes, a game of Maestro (a game they taught the boys) with the children who gather here several times a week. And yes, monks play Frisbee in their robes. There are sweet little smiley faced men who prepare breakfast every morning. Pita, laughing cow cheese (how random, it’s everywhere), a boiled egg, butter (that has become Wendy’s favorite), fig jam, and honey. Then there’s the little man who guards the front door, I call him my pocket friend. He has a huge smile. Is only shoulder height on me. And I’d love to take him with me where ever we go.
Tomorrow will be a new day. A new adventure. I’m doing my best to finish my last paper for this summer semester. I hate it had to come with me. But I didn’t have much of a choice. Continue to pray that we hear from God clearly. Pray protection. Pray peace for the children. For Wendy and Blu. Pray when they go to bed, that they sleep and wake restored. Pray endurance. Pray for a home, in a safe place at a fair price, and sooner rather than later. Pray protection over their relationships. Pray for more relationship in new connections. Pray for healing, John may have to find a doctor tomorrow as he’s still barely hearing out of his right ear. Pray for restoration for Tammy, Perry, John and I. I’m fighting migraines as hard as I can…stress, no sleep, paper writing, and the heat make for a nasty combination. It is so clear that God is building some strong foundation for them as we’ve been here this last week. Tested and tried. That’s what I keep thinking. Can you imagine the impact they’re going to have? I cannot wait to hear and see the ripple effect from just their obedience in moving. How much more are they going to see as they continue to move forward and blaze new trails?

We have stories to tell. We can’t wait to share them. We miss all of your faces. I miss my girls in a way that makes my heart sick. We’ll be home soon enough, though.

Today's prayer...

2011-05-25T17:53:00.000-07:00

I lack. I lack so much. Need you to fill the spaces, yet I'm so afraid if I allow you to, it will hurt so much more that this. It is a lie. I know. I need you.

I am tired. You gave me vision. Your vision. Your heart. And in my haste, my humanity, I've snatched it from your fingers and run head long into the unknown. Now I'm lost. I need you.

What next? Who next? And how shall I get there? I feel as though I've so badly tangled things that I should just remain stuck. Punishment for leaving you behind. I need you.

Yet, I still hear you. Everyday. That not so still, not so quiet voice. And you, with a wash of grace, remind me. "It is more than okay. It is well." But I don't always feel that. I want to. I need you.

Talk of Abraham and Isaac. Sacrifice so great. I can't fathom it. I fear I might not have been so bold. So brave. So obedient. But out of it came provision. God Provides. And a blessing for nations, generations to come. Just how much am I missing by staying here? What kind of blessing have I given up? It hurts to consider. I long to obey blindly. I'm terrified. I need you.

I am here. Because now I can't be anywhere else. And I'm asking, longing, expecting you to provide. Not just provide. To pour yourself out over me. Like much needed rain. I need you. Want you. Thirst for you.

Move me. I will move with you.

The beginning...

2011-05-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

1. for brunette heads that bob out of bed. happy to see me in the morning

2. for sweet red headed teachers who pour themselves out for my child

3. lunch with dear friends, plates full of my favorite veggies, and laughter shared

4. time to breathe

5. time to read stories not facts and theories

When I need it most, And don't deserve it,,,

2011-05-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

I was talking to the girls on the way home from school, telling them I had an appointment at the house this afternoon. And I was really feeling yucky and not up to talking about parenting, because I don't feel so great about my own parenting lately.

And my Ashlin, the one who I feel misses most of what I say, most of the time, says to me..."Mama, you're excellent at what you do (she actually said excellent, which is another milestone in vocabulary for us). And you're the best mommy. Don't listen to anything anybody says. Just keep asking Jesus. Like you tell us all the time. He'll tell you who you are."

And I cried all the way home. Even when it's the hardest thing I do, they give more back to me than I could imagine or deserve. My temper, bad moods, and all. They are MERCY and GRACE walking around in my life. I'm so thankful for them.

Light up...

2011-02-02T11:16:00.000-08:00

I have thought a lot in the past few weeks about parenting. My parenting. Your parenting. How I'm going to encourage other people in their parenting when I'm not always confident in my own...I've hit a rough patch. Which just happens. I want to weather it with grace though.

One of my favorite songs when I was growing up was Steven Curtis Chapman's "Heartbeat of Heaven". And the lyrics never left me, I still find my self singing them..."loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, and good, and full of faith, self-controlled, and gentle; for the heart of heaven beats this way." That meant something very different then than it does now. The fruits of the Spirit. And like Proverbs 31, it felt like a laundry list of things that I should strive towards as a Christian. It left me feeling less than, a whole lot of the time.

It wasn't until my twenties, and after the birth of my first child that I really fully understood that both of those scriptures talked about the products of a relationship. And that really giving myself over to the Lord and finding out His heart for mine would lead to those fruits, to the kind of Proverbs 31 woman He's made me (because mine looks nothing like the A type woman described...I'm finally okay with that).

But, as I've struggled to really face some of these parenting woes, the Lord reminded me today that I need to remember just those things when it relates to my girls. That the most important thing I can do for them, is point them to Him. To encourage a heart that beats for the Lord. Because in my own strength and parenting I will never produce those things that I want for them...to love, experience real joy, to live in peace and rest, know patience, be kind of heart, to be truly good (and not by the world's standards), to have faith beyond measure, to have self control, to live with a gentle spirit. They won't be able to walk them out either, unless they are truly searching after God's heart for themselves.

We have a HUGE mix CD we listen to when the radio's just not cutting it. And because I'm a huge Snow Patrol fan, there's countless songs from them on the CD. One of mine and the girls' favorites is "Run". And I always hear the Lord repeat the chorus to me, "Light up, light up. As if you have a choice. Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear." There are times in my life where it's just that easy. I remember who He is. Who I am in Him. And lighting up takes no effort. It just happens. I know Him.

Then there are times where lighting up takes digging, it takes effort, I have to pray hard. And I don't always hear from Him. But I still know who He is. I remember. I love His Word. He always redeems those moments and lights me up anyway.

And today as we sang loud over the music I realized I want that for them so much more than anything else. I want that to be their default. To know Him in a way that lights them up. That gives them opportunity to bear His fruit without the struggle of bearing it out of their own strength.

It makes parenting look completely different to me...

I thought of you today...

2011-01-26T11:10:00.000-08:00

My PawPaw has been gone almost two years now. But, I still think of him often. What life he had. And I have countless memories of sitting with him on his piano bench while he played Patsy Cline and sang old hymns that sometimes made him cry. I listened to Patsy Cline last night and realized I love listening to her for the simple fact that he did to. Makes me feel like I still have a little piece of him here. His booming voice over the piano and a smile sent in my direction.

Can't get this one out of my head today. It was his favorite.

Mary's Story...

2010-12-15T11:37:00.000-08:00

I think I posted this last year and the year before last. I always come back to it at Christmas. It's not a great piece of writing. It's not the perfect explanation of the story. But, it's mine. I know not everyone who reads it understands it. I like that. Because at the time, it was for me. A way of letting go of what was trapped in my mind at the time. 19. Headed overseas. Looking down the barrel of what it would really cost to give my life for Christ. I've always been fascinated by Mary. And this is what all of that together looked like for me in December of 1999. Merry Christmas!

Mary’s Story

The sun set in the expanse before them. And the soft tints of the watercolor sky soon melted into a blue and then a deeper black. As the warmth of the day followed the sun’s lead, the cold crept in and settled around them. The streets of the unfamiliar city were empty, hollowed out after the fullness of the day. And the echo of hoofs pierced the silence and bounced from cobbled street to stony wall and startled the ears of the little donkey responsible for all the noise. The little animal’s legs were beginning to buckle under the weight of several days’ load and a weak expectant mother. The child on the donkey’s back turned her face to heaven and prayed for provision in the long night she knew she had ahead.

Her husband pushed the weary crew along as quickly as possible and the cold of the night fogged his face with every breath. It became clearer with every step taken, that a place to rest was necessary. But after knocking on several doors that were closed in his face, he began to lose hope. Then on the outskirts of town, at a small inn, he pounded on the door and prayed as he watched the spark of a candle move from an upstairs room, down an outside hallway and disappear. A man appeared, opening the heavy door just to give a loud refusal and close the door in his face, again. But as the innkeeper turned to close the door, a desperate father stepped in between them and begged, “A closet or even the stables. Anywhere my wife can lay her head. Please!?” The man started, half asleep, and peered around him to see the young mother draped over the back of the tired little donkey. And instead of turning them away, he motioned for them to follow him.

The innkeeper led them around the inn to the crest of a hill and pointed beyond the wall of the city where the rolling pastures left the flame-lit streets and became a dark grey. There was a shadow of an old stable, nestled into the face of a cave, and he granted them use of it for what was left of the night. And in a relieved huff, this father grabbed the donkey by the reigns and forced it into the dark that lie beyond the city and finally to the walls of the stable. Nervous now, because he knew their baby boy was close, he fumbled in the dark to find something, anything, to make a fire. And just as he had it lit, he turned for his wife and she collapsed, exhausted in his arms.

Who would have ever known looking at her, what a dramatic change her small life had taken over the past year? Sometimes, she wondered if this was all a dream. In the excitement of her engagement, her family had spent months focusing on wedding plans and she had all but disappeared to them. So she spent hours in the temple, and the priests had begun to recognize her as part of the temple tapestry. Day after day, too overwhelmed with what was going on at home, she found refuge on her knees and the God of Israel became hers. Sometimes his reality was so overwhelming to her that she cried out to him for his tangible presence. At times, there, facedown, she could feel Him and she listened to His voice and she fell deeper in love with Him. And days turned into months.

The wedding grew close. One night she woke from sleep and there at the foot of her bed stood an angel. She wiped her eyes, then tried to let out a cry, but she was overcome with peace. So, she waited and she listened. The angel spoke of how she had found favor in the eyes of God, and she was to bear a child. He was to save the nations and she was to call Him Emmanuel, God with us. She spent the rest of the night in prayer, and as the darkness began to fade, she knew she must speak to her Joseph. In the quiet of the early morning, she rushed through the back alleys of the city until she reached his home. She paced the ground, head down, looking for the perfect pebble to toss into his window, knowing he was still asleep. And as she tossed it into his second story window, she heard it echo against the floor and when he appeared she prayed for words.

The next couple of days were a blur to her. There had been anger. Hurt. Accusation. But, in her heart, she was certain and she knew her God would provide. So she waited. And in a sweep of secrecy, the marriage plans collapsed and the two were wed in the privacy of family. Then she and her husband went into hiding on the outside of town. Lonely months went by and then depended on each other and a God who had been faithful and they prayed day in, day out, for the child that was quietly taking shape in her womb. Only heaven knew. And now, in a stable outside of Bethlehem, she waited on the promised Savior, her son, her baby boy. Their prayer, “God have your way, your will be done. Touch his hands, guide his feet, and keep his heart. Not ours, he is yours. God’s gift to a waiting world. Your will be done.”

The Savior of the Nations didn’t come in a blaze of glory or with the shout of trumpets. Instead, He came in the midst of brokenness. His mother only a child. His bed a feeding trough. The birth of King Jesus caused disruption and He re-arranged plans. But His plans are perfect. He loved us enough, to leave His Father and be one of us. He brought freedom, and truth, and righteousness, and TRUE love all in a baby’s cry. And Christ, God Himself, was born in a stable.

Gingerbread Excitement...

2010-12-14T07:09:00.000-08:00

This proud mama has already posted pictures to facebook documenting our adventure into the world of gingerbread. Yes, I'm one of THOSE people. My dear friend, Mandy and I entered both Ashlin and her oldest son, Milo, in GCA's Kennesaw Winter Wonderland Gingerbread Competition.

The great thing about Ashlin and Milo, is that they are poured from the same mold. Struggle in some of the same ways. Think about things long and hard. Create to express all that gets couped up inside. Mandy introduced me to GCA. It was an answer to prayer for Milo and an answer to almost the same prayer for Ashlin. We've loved being able to share the experience together. And being able to get the two of them together to play on occasion has been incredibly rewarding.

In November we took them to Corn Dawgs on their first field trip together. And that was an experience that only a camera could have captured and expressed, even if somewhat vaguely, correctly. It was priceless! Giant vats of corn kernels for making corn angels. Haunted corn mazes, named "Corn Evil". Corn cob launching guns. Baby zip lines. It was all things corn. And all things hilarous. Mandy and I came home with stomach aches from laughing. Again. Priceless. Encouragement for both of us. And all of our kids loved the time together. I LOVE that!

So as December neared we looked for things to do together and the Gingerbread Competition was one of the first things we came across! I signed them up almost immediately! And they got to work planning. Elaborate plans that Mandy and I weren't sure we'd be able to execute. But, we ended up being able to pull off almost everything they wanted...minus a few lego policemen and flat screen tvs. AND...they won!!! Which was SO good for both of their little spirits! They are currently sharing the prize winnings of a hot cocoa mug. Joint custody means we're swapping it out ever Sunday at church.

So for our far away family, here's a re-cap of the process from beginning to end...and almost all that was in between.

Why blogging has taken a back seat...

2010-10-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

You have no idea how much I love and need (at times) this little green and brown web-page. But, these days it has takes a back seat to some much bigger priorities that have made their way to the top of the list.

First and foremost, Ashlin came home from public school a few weeks ago. A long, labored over decision. But, one we feel GREAT about. She's in a program she can do from home with all the supervision she needs. But, it does mean a lot more work on my part.

I've entered my 400 level Psych classes and to say I'm drowning would be an understatement. There's an unbelievable amount of work. It's insane. That's expected though.

I'm working now. Just a few nights a week in a ballet studio. But, it's helping just a bit in the money department. And I get the chance to hang out with tiny ballerinas and talk to their parents at the same time...it's good stuff!

SO...sadly, the few spare minutes a day I'd love to be writing here, get used for other things right now.

I did want to share these with our family. Pictures of Ashlin's first field trip out with her new school. We took a trip to the pumpkin patch. All four of us got to go! It was a great time!

This is the fast and furious hunt for their favorite kind of pumpkin.

Madalyn has started posing like this (or some other wierd way) when you say "SMILE"! We have to coax her back to a normal pose and a plain ol' boring grin!

It was SO bright...Mady says, "One second, Mom".

Beautiful girls! And it was a beautiful day! We enjoyed the heck out of each other!

Seems like yesterday...

2010-09-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

I know that married couples share anniversaries every day. And each are special and unique to the pair. They make you remember the corny and the cherished moments you shared that day so many years ago. Make you count and measure the reasons you love each other more than you ever thought possible. You've built a life together.

John and I shared nine years this week, over cheeseburgers, overlooking the bay in Alabama. In the middle of a week we spent with my sweet Aunt. And though it's not marked as one of the biggies, it felt pretty monumental to the two of us. We've been a part of each other's lives for a decade now...oh, we're old.

Somehow September 21st we always end up talking about what the life ahead of us looked like from where we stood that day...the plans we'd made. And let me say, we were so far off the mark. But standing here today, I'm thankful for every step we took in this direction. I could not have planned this place, or this time, or this love.

We have a lifetime of stories to tell in nine years. I like that. They're OUR stories.

It should come as no surprise in all my romantic notions that while I had the chance this week, I read a lot of Lord Byron. I literally get lost in his sentiment. I like to mull over the words and imagine where he was when he wrote, what moment provoked such emotion, such thought. And just a few lines from one of my favorites rang with great clarity this week. Just being a part of his life for the past nine years, swift moving, colorful days that quickly collected; I'd have rather been here than traveling the world or pursuing those plans that are now a distant thought in our minds. I can say honestly that it has not always been easy. There have been hard days, even years. There have been rough roads to walk together. But moments where you could not have found two happier people on the planet. All of it made sweeter, richer, as I've shared it with him. So much to look forward to.

"And our days seem as swift, and our moments more sweet, With thee by my side than with worlds at our feet." -Lord Byron

A long, long time ago...

2010-09-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

When I was three I went to my first REAL concert. I got started early! We were living in Geneva at the time, a little place you don’t even know you’ve driven through in south Alabama. But, we drove all the way to Atlanta for the occasion. Stayed in a hotel and everything. It’s one of my earliest but most vivid childhood memories.

We made the drive for an Amy Grant concert at Six Flags. I can remember things like the bedside table in the hotel room and the big clunky phone that rested on it (I wish I had a scanner so you could see the pictures…truly priceless as they were taken in 1983). I can remember being on Tony Ward’s shoulders (Tony’s son Taylor was on my dad’s) and running through a thick crowd of people trying to make up for lost time…apparently we were running late. But most of all, I can remember her. Barefoot. Long brown hair down her back. Guitar. Microphone. Stool. And I fell in love with her passion right there.

Mom and Dad can tell you stories after that, about listening to me give private, all Amy Grant music concerts from every mantle that didn’t move. But it wasn’t just her that I loved, it was her music. Knew every word to every song…still do. Stuff that good never leaves you. And I told myself that when I grew up, I wanted to inspire people with my voice that way. That dream hasn’t died, I don’t know that it ever will.

Those songs that helped shape me growing up still come to mind all the time. And I catch myself singing them. And I love that as I get older they have a whole new meaning than they did to that five year old, 12 year old, twenty three year old girl. I’ve had one stuck in my head for a week or two. I have to chuckle at how my inner me must be trying to tell me something…I need some quiet, alone, me time. I truly do love a lonely day. Enjoy the trip down super cheesy 80’s music lane and take a listen. (Love the line "Give them someone they can miss, Give them love and sing them this...")

T.V.'s off at 1:00 a.m.
One more day alone again
The road gets longer everyday
Why'd I have to get away
But I have found a comfort here
Solitude can be so dear
Loneliness is not so blue
When it puts my mind on you

[Chorus:]
I love a lonely day
It makes me think of you
All alone, I can easily find your love
I love a lonely day
It chases me to you
It clears my heart
Lets my very best part shine through
It's you

Lonely people everywhere
Lucky, lonely ones who care
You've got all you need and more
Someone to be lonely for
Someone cries for you to hear
Take your heart and wipe their tear
Give them someone they can miss
Give them love and sing them this

A Walk to Remember...

2010-08-31T11:09:00.000-07:00

Our days around here have settled into a pleasant little rythm, I like that. No day of the week is the same as the next, and each accomplishes something different. I'm really having to learn "NO" and balance. I like that too! I needed that!

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, Mady is in school from 9:00 to 1:00. And after both carpools I head home for my green space and excercise (BY MYSELF!!), then a few hours of quiet work. John's been walking with me when he's home, which is awesome, and something we haven't done since we were young and single...just the two of us.

I had my whole lovely morning planned out today...a sweet but sweaty walk with my hubby then home for a shower and some research on Human Learning just before I needed to head back out to pick up Mady-Moo. I have the US 10k coming up on Monday, so I've been walking at least 5 miles at a time. And today was no different. We'd planned to walk the full 6 miles. So we drove both cars to Downtown Woodstock, left his car, and went back to Hobgood Park to leave mine.

If you live in the area you know that the walk down Town Lake Pkwy. is very hilly. Which is great practice for the 10k, since 41 (where the race is) is just one big hill after the next. So we set out, small water bottle in my hand, we had planned to share. We had a great time, oblivious to the fatal mistake ONE of us had made sitting in the Hobgood parking lot. And just as we're nearing the end of our journey; sweaty and hot, and ready for a shower, John digs in his pocket for the keys only to come back empty handed.

Now my husband is a fireman. So, I didn't flinch. I just KNEW he was joking. So, I reached around and dug into his pocket myself only to feel a sudden rush of terror. There wasn't a darn thing there. Yes. We were going to have to walk that same 6 miles back to the car, with a now empty water bottle, and a mid-day sun high in a cloudless sky. It sounds like a bad cowboy movie. It felt like one too.

We turned around and headed back. All John could do was laugh, and after the first 10 minutes of plotting my revenge, I joined him in the laughter. Instead of going back the exact same way, we changed things up and went down Rose Creek because it was flatter and shadier (at least once we made it that far). And, oh how I wish I'd had a video camera. At one point (about mile 9.5) while being chased by a cicada through the woods, I plain ol' bit it, because my legs literally gave up and refused to move anymore. It took us several minutes before we could get going again. The laughter was just too much.

John kept telling me he had to pee, but refused to. He kept saying his body needed the extra hydration. And that it was going to be the difference between life and death for him. We were both a tad dramatic about the extra miles.

Oh, we laughed. Laughed until we hurt. Literally. We clocked it on the way back, legs numb, clothes soaked, sunburned cheeks. It was just over 11 miles. And no, I didn't get ANY work done today. And I still haven't had a shower. But, we made a memory and embraced our "NOW". Something we've been talking a lot about at church lately and how important it is in relationship! Nothing I would have EVER planned. But, it's something we shared and connected over...for 11 long miles.

Thoughtfulness...

2010-08-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

...it's like a steamy mug of your favorite tea (mine would be any kind of Chai), warm, comforting, and good for a re-charge. And who doesn't love being on the recieving end of it?

Tuesday, just before falling into bed about midnight, I found a chubby little red envelope, stuffed to the brim propped up against my alarm clock. Mail I'd missed in my running around that day, John made sure I saw it before bed.

I ripped open it's little flap to find a handmade card and a beautiful little flip book. And every page, card and all, was filled with words meant to encourage. The pages are beautiful and colorful and every one is different. Marked with a different sentiment. And of course I cried. And I laughed a little. And woke John up.

I wrote a paper yesterday on adolescent connection and relationships. And how important it is for them to feel recognized, thought of, found important. It's why things like twitter, facebook, myspace, BLOGS...find such an important place in their lives (in all our lives, for that matter). We want to be thought of. Long to feel connected. To know that the little things that happen in our lives are significant.

But, my dear sweet friend, knows the reality of what that connection should really look like. She's someone I'd go antiquing with, 'cause I'm sure she'd appreciate the history and the story behind every interesting piece we'd find. She hand writes cards and mails postcards from her travels. She remembers the little things and makes a tangible memory for every one...scrapbook page, journal entry, a picture in a frame. I think she knows well what kind of real connection we're intended for. And it made my week to be on the other end of her thoughtfulness.

So, I have a beautiful little book, hanging on my refrigerator door, where I can flip through it when I need to. Every page a clever line or needed reminder. I had to share some, just a few...I hope they do for you what they did for me!

"Love not what you are, But what you may become" -Miguel de Cervantes

"The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit." -Nelson Henderson

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkenss for it shows me the stars." -Og Mandino

"Indeed, it is the JOY of the Lord that casts out spirits of depression. It is our living FAITH which destroys spirits of unbelief; it is AGGRESSIVE LOVE which casts out fear." -Francis Frangipane

"A girl is innocence playing in the mud, beauty standing on its head, and motherhood dragging a doll by the foot." -Allan Beck

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

Thank you, friend! I truly love and appreciate you! Thank you for seeing me! You have a special place in my heart...always have!

So, my thrities have taught me this...

2010-08-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

Seems like a loaded statement being that I've only been 30 for 6 months. And let me just say this, I don't often talk about my struggle with depression here...but right now, I'm gonna.

I don't talk about it, because for awhile there was some shame attached to it. Feeling like I should be able to pull myself up by my boot straps and make myself happy again. If I loved Jesus enough and believed Him enough for healing, then I would be healed (and now even that thought makes me angry, that's not the Jesus I know...He doesn't with-hold because of my faith or something I'm not doing, seems a ridiculous notion to me now). I repeated mantras to myself like "happiness is a state of mind". And listen, if you're one of those people that says those things and they work for you...then thumbs up to that. But, I realized a little over a year ago that my depression was more than skin deep. My doctor agreed.

I could not have been more pro-active about healing myself in all the ways I THOUGHT I needed to be healed. An enormous amount of prayer counseling with more than one counselor. Lots of excercise. Eating well, watching the toxins I put in my body. Herbal remedies. Begging and pleading God for healing. And finally my homeopathic doctor says, "It's time to accept the fact that this is clinical". BOOO!!!

I'll never forget the day I left the doctors office with my first prescription for anti-depressants. I felt completely defeated. Undone, really. But, as the fog that had been sitting on top of me for years started to lift, and I was able to really live again I realized that not only was it okay for me to be taking them, but that it was good! It even allowed me to really dig deeper in my own counseling sessions.

Listen, I know that this opinion is not a popular one in the Christian Counseling world (meaning, I agree that meds are not for everyone, but they are for some). I'm MORE than okay with that. I feel like God's carved out this place for me, and really given me a heart for mom's and families who are struggling with the reality of clinical depression. I walked it out as a child in a home where a parent struggled for years to get the help she needed. I lost a grandmother before I ever met her, she couldn't fight it off anymore and ended her own life. And my dear Aunt has fought and fought hard in the midst of it for years. It goes back generations with my family. There are stories to tell. People in my lineage even before my grandmother who suffered.

And over the past year, even though I've seen how necessary it is for me to take my seratonin boosting drugs, I've still fought it tooth and nail. I'm gonna find something natural. I'm going to keep on researching 'til I get this right. I'm even reading a book right now, as we speak, called "Eat Your Way to Happiness" (which is very good, by the way). But, my doctor agreed to give the homeopathic route another try a few weeks ago. And I tell you, I was excited! I went to the supplement store and stocked up and started the next day on the new supplements.

I felt great that first week and was so optimistic. But, I mean I took a turn for it and headed back into that fog pretty darn quick. Which, then, made me angry. And oh boy, did I let God hear about it! I kept telling Him that I did not want to have to depend on these meds for the rest of my life! And then He asked me a question yesterday in one of my stewing sessions..."Danielle, haven't you been trusting and depending on me for healing in this?" And with my huffy "YES!", He reminded me "Then trust that I have you here for this time, and just let it go. Stop fighting me tooth and nail. I know your heart and your intentions. It's not failing or giving up when you take that medication." I even wrote it down and put it on my mirror in the bathroom!

And I do feel like He has a purpose in this all. I feel more balanced today than I have in a long time (fully living in the acceptance that it's okay to be here)...and I'm even sick. Which tells me this. That I was fighting too hard to get to the next place in life and not living in this moment. I really CANNOT wait for the day that behind closed doors, in my office somewhere, I get to share with another mother how God pulled me out of that dark hole called depression and brought me along on this journey to healing! I know He's gonna do that!

But, today I felt like I needed a confession. A place to say, "Yep, this is where I am. And Yep, this is my struggle. But, isn't it fantastic that God's right here in the midst of it...ugliness and all!" Kinda like an AA meeting, I needed to lay it all out there...and it does feel good! That's what I've learned most in my short lived life as a 30-something. BE HERE, even when it's messy! And that even if it's not my plan, sometimes it's the BEST plan for me!

Mama's daylilies...

2010-08-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

...have a way of making me feel better. They always have. Her green thumb makes them all this beautiful. And seeing them reminds me of a little yellow house off Ebenezer Road with the tire swing swaying from the long yellow rope, hooked high in the oak by the creek. I was glad to see them today.

I am in a sappy, soppy kinda mood. I get overwhelmed and get this way easily almost like clockwork...mid-term. Sometimes I think it's a mommy thing and then other times I think it's a Danielle thing. But you know that feeling when you're standing at the edge of so many different things and wondering how the Lord's gonna pull it all off? The great thing is that I trust He'll meet me here faithfully. I just wish I endured these times with a little more grace.

But, He's good to remind me I'm not alone. He did that this morning as I sat next to a friend and heard a great message. And without even knowing it, she eased some of the burden I was carrying. See, she lives a life parallel to mine. Which is a rare find. And her husband and mine were poured from the same mold...public servants, gone so often. And the sad but funny thing is, that our struggles are as parallel as our lives. And sometimes just knowing she's in it with me, helps soothe and encourage. She laughed with me. And smiled with me. And we listened. It was good. She had no idea I was having a sappy, soppy kinda day. But, she helped make it better. And like I like to say, I think the Lord did that!

One of my favorites...

2010-08-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

"My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul."
Psalm 108:1-2

Secrets between sisters...

2010-07-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

It's summer and the girls have been going to bed much later than the school year allows. This week I've tried to get them to bed at 8:00 again. And oh how they've struggled with that.

Two nights ago, on a pass to the laundry room around 11:00, I tiptoed to the little room wedged between their rooms and heard giggles. And just to catch them in the act, I got down on my hands and knees on the hardwoods and crawled to sneak a peak under the crack of Ashlin's door. And what did I see...

And then just to be sure that they were doing what I thought they were, I crawled back down the hall to Mady's door, and sure enough...

I left them to their moment and asked Ash the next morning about it. She confessed they'd stayed up late all week swapping secrets through the air vents. Makes me think everybody needs a sister...

Books, books, and some more books...

2010-07-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

I have read the heck out of this summer. A survival tactic I've adopted to get me through books related strictly to the study of Psychology. Silly, easy read romances. The Chronicles of Narnia. Lots of CS Lewis in any shape and form. And I just finished The Cookbook Collector.

I've said it before but I'm really an old lady when it comes to things like NPR (as Allison, she'll tell you!). Which I listen to probrably more than I should admit. But, I heard the author of the latter on a week ago and was intrigued.

And aside from a few un-necessary things I could have done without, the book was fascinating! An adaptation of Pride and Prejuduce (very loosely). A story of two sisters. A retelling of the tragedy of 9/11. There's talk of Balystok Judaism, something I'd never heard of but now want to know more about. There's talk of book collecting, the kind that comes from a love so deep of literature you're compelled to spend thousands on a decaying copy of a first print Moby Dick. There's lots of talk about the history of cooking, something I'm now investigating myself (I lived under the impression that recipes were a relatively new thing and that if you were cooking in the 1800's you were simply going by the look and feel of things, the tradition of it all...I was wrong).

I love when a book does that for me; giving me new direction, inviting me further in towards unlocking mysteries I didn't even know existed. Right now, it's a much welcome thing that brings me outside of myself and the very small world I exist in. Dining room table. Cedar Mill Lane. Brown leather furniture and two little brunettes. Stacks of text books.

And there are other things that have been apart of breaking the monotony and helping me realize there's a world going on around me, like 5 mile walks where I can talk and pray. Dinner in my kitchen, barefoot, workout clothes, my dear friend and our girls running around in tu-tus and high heels. Quiet with my Bible. And laughing with my favorite group of women on the planet, each and every one of them. I think this was so welcome because it was new, it was different!

What does that for you? Stacks of new books? A new recipe? An old friend?

A long reprieve...

2010-07-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

and not really because I wanted one. Just lack of any moments spare enough to allow me the time to sit and type all the trapped little words in my head. They've had to sit and wait patiently amongst Psychology theorists and Biology factoids. So, today seemed appropriate to give some of them a little escape. Maybe because I feel I need a little one myself...

I read this this morning in the middle of my quiet time, and it sang...I want to embrace that just because I am, I am blessed. But this scripture describes the other side of that knowledge. To be content. And whole. And care for. Things I need at this moment in my life. God's provided...

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought...You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being "carefull" you find yourselves being cared for."

So thankful for this place...

2010-06-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

John and I have been at Vineyard for seven years now. I love that we ended up there, as I came from a Methodist background with a little Church of God thrown in there for educational purposes in my college days. And John grew up strictly Church of Christ. Vineyard is none of the above, but was the perfect fit for us from day one.

The longer we’re there the more like family the people become. Necessary fixtures in our lives. John and I have been on a difficult journey for about three years now, and they have been so sustaining for us when we didn’t know how we were going to make it. They’ve reminded us who we are, that we’re loved, and most importantly they have always been willing to pray. They’ve just been there to meet needs we didn’t even know we had. Isn’t that the way God intended community? I think so. I love that.

Last week we had a wrap up meeting for our small groups for the year, taking July off before we start all over again in August. I honestly felt awkward as we began this year, unsure of how I fit in with this group of small group leaders, counselors, and prayer team leaders. It is another story as to how I ended up there, but I was there none the less. And little by little, I’ve begun to feel like I need those once a month meetings we have, around a conference table on the first Monday of the month. There’s always a little shop talk, then we worship together and pray for each other. It is such a sweet time.

We spent our last meeting pouring out love for each other. Fifteen of us around the table, and we took the time to love on every one, admonishing each with words. And how amazing it was to sit at that table with people I love and admire and experience such an overpowering pouring out of love for each other. I cried oh so much, and had an embarrassing outburst at an attempt to tell a friend exactly what she’s meant to me over these years. But, I came away feeling new. Knowing again from the tip of my toes, that I am home.

It has been in these walls that I’ve been encouraged to dive into the hard stuff so that God can meet me there and bring healing. It’s been here that I’ve been reminded of who He says I am. It’s been here that I’ve discovered my passion in life, and had the courage to actually go for it. It’s been hard. I’ve been challenged. I’ve had to work through a lot. But, it has been worth it all.

I love the brokenness of our body. I love how eclectic it is. I love that our heart is to reach the unreachable. I love that we have a heart for the nations. I love that we have a heart for each other. I love that there’s a group of women (different each and every one) that I’ve come to need, and our once a month fix just isn’t enough. I love that my children are being encouraged by the body to fall in love with Jesus on their own.

We’re not perfect by any means. We’re made up of human beings after all. But, I love that even in that, making mistakes, we’re able to find the center together. I’m just so thankful for this place…

I know you love your church home...what makes it just as special for you?

My wilder youth...

2010-06-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

My mother in law was here last week. It was so nice to have another set of hands and plenty of extra time for the library. The girls enjoyed the heck out of her. And she went home covered in glitter with purple finger nails.

And like always, a visit with her always prompts John and I to share stories from our earlier days. Sadly, his are always much more exciting than mine. He lived out in the middle of NOWHERE, and I’m not exaggerating at all when I say this. So, they had to get REALLY creative for fun. He was driving at 13 with a farm license…and if you know John, you know this only meant trouble.

I on the other hand, apparently had a very boring youth. John rolls in the floor when I tell stories. Then kisses me on the forehead and says…”And that’s why I love you.” I don’t know what that means. Because I’m boring? Because I’m incredibly lame? Because my naivity at the time was funny? I don’t know.

But, like always, this is the story that brought on that inevitable kiss on the forehead. I light up every time I tell this apparently sad tale, because at the time it was exhilarating, hilarious, and scared the poo out of me.

I had two friends that filled my high school years from head to toe, with good stuff. And most weekends we spent together, if not all three of us, then at least two. One Friday night we’d gone to a late dinner over off of Johnson’s Ferry and were puttering around afterwards. I can’t remember exactly what we were doing, maybe waiting for a movie. But, somehow we found ourselves in a Kroger parking lot. Again, no idea why.

We ended up parked in the back of the lot, a couple hundred yards from a service van (you know the AT&T or Comcast kinds with the orange cones hooked to the back). One of us came up with the brilliant idea that it would be hysterical to take the cones off and put them around the van. So, we climbed out of Jenn’s red thunderbird and went to work. I laughed so hard I gave myself a headache. In hindsight, it really wasn’t all that funny. It was the moment I guess.

As we’re finishing up our little task, a large man with a mustache comes out of the Kroger, only to realize we’re mistreating his cones. And he begins yelling and shaking his fists and jogging….I panicked. The other girls took off and are tripping over themselves getting back to the car, while I decide that the best course of action was to clean up the mess. So, they’re screaming at me through hysterical laughter to get back to the car and I’m falling all over the place laughing and trying to replace these heavy cones. I got all but one, before I realized I needed to get to the car as he was fast approaching. And as I fell into the back seat, we peeled out of the parking lot, and laughed for a good ten minutes at how ridiculous we all were.

So, there it is…literally the wildest tale of my youth. I do understand how truly ridiculous the story is. I guess that’s what John finds it so amusing, as he can tell it from beginning to end all on his own after ten years together. I think what makes it so hilarious now, is that we felt like total rebels of the law at the time. We were scared half to death that the police were gonna come after us. Like the cone snatchers who clean up after themselves on Johnson’s Ferry Rd. were priority number one that night. John says he prays our girls have a flare for the ridiculous like me, and is thankful we don’t live out in the middle of nowhere.

My Beenareenas...

2010-06-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

The girls ended their year of ballet. Mady a month ago and Ash this past weekend. Mady fell in love with it, just like her sister, in this first year. And Ash got her four year trophey. We always look forward to the recital, and this year didn't dissapoint. Oodles of cuteness, awkwardness, and laughs in tutus! Mrs. Deborah, like I always say, is such a gift in our lives! I love that she's my friend, but I love the fact that my girls adore her even more!

Mady's cute little class, waiting to start their mini recital. She's sitting to the left of her best friend in the whole wide world...her Eden.
Neither of my girls can fill out a pair of dance tights, they both have elephant ankles (very wrinkly), and it makes me laugh.

Being a sleepy daisy...unbelievably adorable! If I do say so myself!
Waiting, waiting, and more waiting...but she's cute while she does it!
AND ON TO BIG SISTER...

Fixin' hair and make-up in the balcony of the Roswell Cultural Arts Center. I love having girls!

Some pre-show cheesin' with the sister...

On stage for awards before the show.

Four years for our peanut! Crazy!

Oye como va!

All tapped and balleted out! Gifts and trophies in hand!

On the arms of the men in her life...Daddy and Papa!

Calendar Cookbook Catch-up...

2010-06-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to do this for months, since January...so I'm catching up. We started something last year at Christmas that I can't wait to carry on. It made Christmas gifts so easy! These recipes are family favorites from our table, throughout the year. Some are traditional southern recipes that can't be altered, it would be against the rules of southern kitchen ettiquette. And some are mine that have come out of our healthier, much less southern way of eating. So, here's a taste of our table from January to June...

JANUARY...

New Year's Day, Angel Puffs

Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
1/2 stick butter, melted
Large Marshmallows
2 Tbs. Cinnamon 1/4 cup Fine sugar

Preheat oven to 350. Mix together cinnamon and sugar and set aside. Melt butter and also set aside. Unroll crescent rolls and separate. Place on a cookie sheet with a marshmallow in each center. Pull edges up and around the marshmallow to cover and pinch closed. Make sure all are sealed. Brush tops and sides with butter and sprinkle well with cinnamon and sugar. Bake according to package directions! These are Heaven!!!

(These are a tradition in the Estes House. I can still remember waking up to the smell of them filling the house. There never were enough on the pan, we always wanted more! They really are melt-in-your-mouth HEAVEN!!! We hope they become a part of your New Year’s tradition also! Though you will only need to make them once a year. They are not on the top 10 list of healthiest dishes in the world.)

FEBRUARY…

Hoppin’ John Soup

1 medium onion, chopped
1 TBS. garlic, chopped
4-6 oz. smoked turkey, chopped (about 1/3 pound)
2 TBS. flour
1 can Rotel tomatoes (original or mild)
2 cans black-eyed peas
1 can chicken broth

Sauté the onion and garlic in olive oil. Stir in flour when sautéed. Coat the onion and garlic with the flour. Add Rotel tomatoes and about ½ can of chicken broth. Add smoked turkey. Stir and reduce heat. Process one can of peas in blender or food processor until creamy. Add to mixture. Add remaining can of whole peas. Stir and simmer about 20 minutes. Add remaining chicken broth as needed for desired soup thickness. Serve over a scoop of cooked rice. Garnish with a dollop of sour cream and chopped green onions.

MARCH…

John's Favorite Asian Lettuce Wraps

1/2 cup A.1. Teriyaki Steak Sauce
1/2 cup orange juice
2 tsp. sesame oil
1 beef flank steak or beef top sirloin steak (1 lb.)
1 head Boston lettuce leaves separated
1 cup each: shredded carrots and red cabbage
1 large red pepper, thinly sliced

MIX steak sauce, orange juice and sesame oil until well blended. Remove 1/4 cup of the steak sauce mixture for later use. Pour remaining steak sauce mixture over steak in large resealable plastic bag; seal bag. Turn bag over several times to evenly coat steak. Refrigerate 30 min. to marinate.

PREHEAT grill to medium heat. Remove steak from bag; discard bag and
marinade. Grill steak 13 to 16 min. for medium-rare to medium doneness, turning occasionally. Remove from grill; cover with foil to keep warm. Let stand 10 min.

CUT steak across the grain into thin strips. Place evenly in centers of lettuce leaves; top with vegetables. Roll up. Serve with the reserved 1/4 cup steak sauce mixture.

(These are John’s ABSOLUTE favorite! And something he just mastered to show off at the station! You’d be surprised at the amount of vegetables you can get firemen to eat when you camouflage it with lots of red meat!!!)

APRIL. . .

Pecan Crusted Chicken Salad

4 chicken breasts
1/2 cup finely chopped pecans (for chicken breading)
1/2 cup Kashi 7 Whole Grain Flakes, crushed
1 cup milk
2 eggs, beaten
1 cup spelt or whole wheat flour, at least
1.5 cups light olive oil
1/3 cup balsamic vinegar
4 teaspoons Dijon mustard
4 teaspoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup dried cranberries
3 tablespoons dark brown sugar
1/2 cup finely chopped pecans (to sprinkle on salad)
2 heads romaine, chopped
1/2 red onion sliced thin
2 11-ounce cans mandarin orange segments, drained
1/2 cup crumbled blue cheese

POUND each chicken breast to a reasonable thickness (about 1/2 inch is good). Combine 1/2 cup finely chopped pecans and crushed cereal flakes. Combine milk and beaten eggs. Put flour into a third bowl. Coat each chicken breast with flour. Then dip the flour-coated chicken breast into the egg and milk mixture, and then coat the chicken with a thick coating of the pecans and flake crumbs.

PREHEAT 1/2 cup of oil in a large skillet over medium/low heat. Sauté chicken for 3-4 minutes per side or until golden brown.

COMBINE 1 cup olive oil, balsamic vinegar, mustard, sugar and 1/2 teaspoon salt in a blender. Blend on low speed for just a few seconds to mix thoroughly. Pour into a small bowl and add the minced garlic. Chill until you are ready to use the dressing.

TOSS romaine and onion with 3/4 cup of the balsamic vinaigrette. Sprinkle the dried cranberries, brown sugar and 1/2 cup finely chopped pecans on top of salad. Sprinkle with drained mandarin orange segment, followed by crumbled blue cheese. Slice the chicken and top each salad with the equivalent of one chicken breast. This is a favorite of all of the ladies in our house!

MAY…

Lemonade Pound Cake

CAKE:
1 package (18. 25 ounces) plain white cake mix
1 cup sour cream
1 container (6 ounces) frozen lemonade concentrate, thawed
1 package (3 ounces) cream cheese, at room temperature
3 large eggs

GLAZE:
1 cup confectioners' sugar
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon grated lemon rind

Place a rack in the center of the oven and preheat the oven to 350 F. Lightly mist a 12-cup Bundt pan with vegetable oil, then dust with flour. Shake out the excess flour. Set the pan aside.

Place the cake mix, sour cream, lemonade concentrate, cream cheese, and eggs in a large mixing bowl. Blend with an electric mixer on low speed for 1 minute. Stop the machine and scrape down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula. Increase the mixer speed to medium and beat 2 minutes more, scraping down the sides again if needed. The batter should look well blended. Pour the batter into the prepared pan, smoothing the top with the rubber spatula. Place the pan in the oven.

Bake the cake until it springs back when lightly pressed with your finger, 40 to 45 minutes. Remove the pan from the oven and place it on a wire rack to cool, 20 minutes. Meanwhile, prepare the glaze by whisking the confectioners' sugar, lemon juice, and lemon rind in a medium mixing bowl. Turn the cake out onto a serving platter. Spoon the glaze over the top.

JUNE…

Grilled Salsa

4 large summer tomatoes, halved
1 jalapeno, halved, top removed, seeds intact
1 onion halved, top removed
1 whole lime halved
3 Tbs. Olive oil
Salt
Pepper
3 cloves of garlic
1 handful of chopped fresh cilantro

In a large bowl, pour olive oil over all vegetables. Lightly salt and pepper. Place on hot grill along with the lime. Let vegetables lightly char and become soft. Set aside and allow to cool. Put grilled vegetables, garlic, and cilantro in blender. Squirt juice from both lime halves onto the vegetables. Blend until smooth.

What an honor...

2010-05-31T13:03:00.000-07:00

To watch this happen. My Ashlin got baptised yesterday, May 30th. Holding back tears was an impossibility.

Our new Adventure Log...

2010-05-31T12:59:00.000-07:00

I started a new little blog...well, I didn't just start it. It's been 4 years in the making. I just paused for some time. And I've promised the girls we'd finish our scrapbook that we started to log these little adventures. Check it out...A Grand Adventure.

A Timeline...

2010-05-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

Ashlin has a project due tomorrow. A timeline. A way to round out the end of the year. So, after school yesterday, we sat on the bed together and sorted through file after file of pictures all the way back to her birth...I cried. And then laughed when she kept sayin' "Mama, it's okay. I know I was cute." But, if it's possible, I'd forgotten how little she was. How young I was. How frightening it all seemed at 22.

But, she's grown faster than I could have imagined. And us with her. I couldn't help but share for our far-away family.

Doing one of her favorite things...hittin' up the cabinet for some pot drums.

A princess for Halloween...she quickly learned that a cute smile meant a handful of candy, and first sparked her love for the day.

After carving our clever pumpkin behind her, hangin' on the front porch...she loved being outside, still does!

One of our favorite things to do as a family! Camping on the Ocoee! Unlimited access to the dirt and the water!

This is one of my all time favorite pictures! All these cuties danced around the manger together as angels heralding the birth of Jesus. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Two of her best friends in the world! Who knew kindergarten would make for the perfect friend finder!

And last but not least, dancing with Mrs. Deborah has been one of those necessary constants in her life! She's found courage and grace with her. Plus, she always looks so stinkin' cute in the costume!

In a far off place...

2010-05-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

On the way home this afternoon, I sat in the quiet car listening to NPR (I know...I've said before what an old lady nerd I am). They did an international story on riots going on in Bangkok. And honestly, after I heard that, I checked out. My mind was somewhere else all together.

And like I mentioned here, there are sounds and smells, even the sight of things that trigger that place in me that's sitting in the back of a dirty tuk-tuk, with a group of friends. Dusty road behind me, wearing a wrap skirt I'd worn for weeks and a borrowed t-shirt.

Today I was stuck on a week we spent in Laos. We smuggled in bibles across the border and intended on spending the week in a hostel (one we'd found in our Lonely Planet guide...a YWAMers best friend) only to find it full. The woman at the front desk sent us to a hotel down the road a ways and we all loaded into taxis and off we went. It was a nice little hotel, we were pleasantly surprised. So, we got rooms and checked in. Then they led us out a back door and into an alleyway, up a separate set of stairs to a more run down building in the back and proudly showed us to our rooms. And I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up on the roof in a screened in porch version of a hotel room, with hay mattresses and no locks on the doors. With two other girls. Not ideal. But definitely adventurous. (We realized shortly, that it was a hotel used mainly by...mmm, ladies of the night? is that the politically correct thing to say? hence, the really nice portion of the hotel in the front and really crumby dilapidated building in the back. Awesome.)

I have incredibly vivid memories of that week. We went to temples. We gave bibles to monks. But the most striking moment I can remember, was in front of a street vendor, ordering chai with a friend, watching the Mekong River roll by. And as insignificant as it was, I remember that picture more than any other memory I have from those three months. I felt completely at home, whole, so amazed that I was standing there after dreaming of it so many times before. I love that moment. Do you have moments like those? What are they?

And honestly, Steph, I think that after you tried to call me, I had you on the brain. My adventuring buddy. Can you believe we did some of the things we did? Hmmm, so glad you were with me.

Truth and happy accidents...

2010-05-13T07:39:00.000-07:00

You know you set out to do something or have clear expectations of what's coming and suddenly you take a sharp turn left and instead of finding disaster or disappointment there's a...happy accident. Good when you weren't expecting it. Victory in a dark corner. Stumbling across a diamond mine when you were looking for coal.

And though I don't think it was an accident at all this morning, it was definitely happy. I read the daily devotion on Crosswalk, which was really cute, by the way (if you're the parent of a toddler), and went to read a reference at the bottom of the page. Psalm 119. And it's not the first time in my life I've read it, but it was definitely truth that I desperately needed to be reminded of...and it didn't really apply much to the devotion that day...hence my calling it a happy accident.

Just wanted to share with you the good stuff~

Yes, your sayings on life are what give me delight; I listen to them as to good neighbors! I'm feeling terrible - I couldn't feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember? When I told my story, you responded; train me well in your deep wisdom. Help me understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders. My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn; build me up again by your Word. Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. I choose the true road to Somewhere, I post your road signs at every curve and corner. I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me; God, don't let me down! I'll run the course you lay out for me if you'll just show me how. God, teach me lessons for living so I can stay the course. Give me insight so I can do what you tell me - my whole life one long, obedient response. Guide me down the road of your commandments; I love traveling this freeway! Psalm 119:24-35 (The Message)

I enjoyed reading the whole chapter. I'd forgotten how manic David can be. I can almost see him narrating this, hands waving passionate one moment, then head in hands sad and desperate the next, followed by a fit of rage over his enemies...then he rounds it all out by doing it all again. He reminds me a lot of myself! Which is exactly what I needed to hear this morning! David begged, pleaded his case before the Lord. Messy and unbidden. Speaking exactly what was on his heart! And God answered, faithfully. He honored David. I needed to be reminded of this. Of His advocacy for those He loves! What a relief in our struggle, right?

So, if you need reminding that God's at work in your life, even when you're slightly crazy...read Psalm 119. I'd read The Message version, as David sounds even more erratic there. It's comforting somehow.

Love Letters...

2010-05-10T17:17:00.000-07:00

I've had one of those days, where from the moment I woke up, God's been speaking to me. Calling me to be quiet with Him, listen to Him, love on Him. Reassuring me and reminding me He's not only with me, but understanding me, and working in our lives.

And I've had this song in my head, playing loudly. Another reminder of how he loves me. I've shed lots of thankful tears today repeating the words, "I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory". And realize that He trumps all that's going on in my life. His love is more than enough. It covers, and heals, and overcomes, works out.

"We are His portion and He is our prize,drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, if grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking." How can I not be overcome with those words. That truth. I am undone at the thought that He loves me that much. Covered by such a grace that all I've done, will do...is washed away. And all I'm left with is a depth of love so much that I'm lost in it.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

And this has all come crashing over me, as the past two weeks He's met me in the sweetest ways. Things I didn't even know I needed He provided. Gentle reminders of His pursuit of my heart.

I re-read the end of "Redeeming Love" this afternoon waiting for Ash to come out of ballet. Silly I know, but I'm such a romantic and it makes me insanely happy! And using the Kindle app on my laptop is like a drug...I can't get enough! And like always when I read the end I remember again how He loves me. Wanting my affection so, that He's willing to wait for my return to Him again and again. Shedding layer after layer that seperates me from the fullness of Him. And when I reach the end of myself, He accepts me willingly and covers me again with His love.

How can we not be swept away with such a love story as this. Written for us. Our story.

A favorite picture and moment with my Ashlin...another sweet reminder in the wide open green, under blue skies, with one of my greatest gifts...how can I forget..."He loves us".

Oh, yes she did...

2010-05-06T16:41:00.000-07:00

The girls were in the tub this evening while I finished up homework in the living room, listening to them cackling hysterically over a tortured my little pony. I looked up to see a woman coming up the steps and then ring the broken door bell. She was looking right at me, so I HAD to answer the door.

Unfortunately, I sent in my census form JUST AFTER the first. And this woman was here to collect the vital infomation that little blue form needs. She swears we didn't send it.

So, this funny, red-headed little Hungarian woman stood on my porch and quizzed me about birthdays and race. About 10 minutes in,(it took that long because she stopped to tell me a funny story related to every question she asked) I felt a hand on my leg, but didn't turn around. And as we finished up, the woman looks up from her clipboard and giggles. It's then I look down to see Mady butt naked and dripping wet, and before I could shoo her inside, she says to our new census friend, ducking down and putting her hands on her knees, "You got on panties?"....long pause..."I don't." And as she turned her incredibly small rear end and strolled back to the bath tub, she raised her hands and yelled, "I'm a dude!"

Firefighters and Football...

2010-05-03T06:17:00.000-07:00

John and I spent date night at Sprayberry High school. Where I graduated over 10 years ago now...I hate saying that! But, it was a pleasant return to the football stadium.

Atlanta has a football league for area firefighters that benefits Safe Kids. They were playing what I think was their last game of the season against the Tampa league. And won! A big win too! 36 to 14 if I remember right.

It's something I hope we do more of next year. It was a blast. We saw some of our favorite people on the planet. And enjoyed doing something different together! You should look into it...see if your area has the same league and go watch a game. I swear it was rougher than normal football. Lots of adrenaline and testosterone! Good for a Saturday night!

When real trees just don't cut it...

2010-04-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

You build your own! Right? Well, at least that's what my kids do. Or did. They've been out in the yard since 4:00 this afternoon. Hammering and tinkering away. It's now 10:00. John and I nestled into the porch about 8:00 and have gotten a kick out of listening to them plot and plan. It's fallen over or crumbled at least 4 times, and they come up with another scheme to prop it back up.

John and I just can't figure out why they needed to construct their own. We live in the woods. Thick woods. With a creek in the yard. Yet, it's been their mission. So we've watched and laughed, and I couldn't have planned a more perfect evening.

They made a friend too. Harry. He's a snail. Though I'm afraid last they checked Harry was dead. They'd handled him for 3 straight hours. Maybe he died happy. Smothered to death by little girl love.

Harry...

Look...they're lovin' him to death.

Layin' in the grass, watchin' stars with the girls.

Ta-Da! Their tree! Amazing right? Still can't quite figure it out though!

Oh so proud!

John and I enjoyed the dark and the quiet...and eavesdropping on the neighbor's party.
It's the little things.

The past two days should not have been great...yet, we've met the Lord in them. In the grass, holding snails, in the candle light, together in the dark.

Once...

2010-04-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

Once, I was a girl, who stood on stages and sang Patsy Cline and got lost in the lights and the blur of faces. Who thrilled at the feel of a microphone on her lips. And loved that sometimes she could see herself reflected in the shiny black tile of a stage floor. Who never did well behind a desk, so she soared in these moments.

And once, I was a girl, with brave ambition to travel where ever the road might lead her. Even if that meant sleeping on mats for months, or swallowing down a bug or two to ensure a new friends’ comfort. Just her backpack and her Jesus, that was all she needed.

And once, I was a girl, who taught tiny faces. And delighted in their discovery of the world and themselves, all while she got to tag along.

Once, I was a girl, standing in a store window, apron tied tight, dust rag in hand. Who talked about trivial things like candles and tiny English cottages. And occasionally made a new friend over a candle store counter. Who actually enjoyed the act of serving others. Candles and all.

Once, I was a girl, who struggled in her skin. Messy, flighty, bottle blond. Sleepy, silly, a little fluffy, not always dressed to the nines. A deep love for her favorite blue jeans. But who found herself surrounded by the love of the dearest friends, who never saw what she felt. And when they did they loved her anyway.

Once, I was a girl, who thought she had her whole life planned. Every single moment. Every tiny detail. Fitting all the pieces together so that, to her, it made perfect sense. Felt like the perfect future. Who struggled as things didn’t turn out quite like SHE’D planned, but knew that God was doing something.

Now, I am a girl, 30 years young. Who can look back and marvel at the scarlet thread woven through each day, each monument, each uncertainty. A girl out from behind the desk, sure where she was once timid. Able. Smart. Learning. But still thrills at the stage. Only now it looks a lot like a jet black Envoy. Her audience of two loves to sing just as much as she does, and oh how she loves that.

Now, I am a girl, who still loves to travel and dreams of distant shores, but has the same heart for the lost. Who can’t wait to counsel, love, bring together.

Now, I am a girl, who serves in a capacity she never thought possible. No apron. No knickknacks. No candle store counter. But instead who wakes every morning to little brunettes eager for what she has to offer. A home she’s worked-is working to build. A husband who serves just as hard and steady, who needs her just to be her.

Now, I am a girl, who’s slowly begun to like/even love who she is…mess and all. Who embraces her untidy closet. Who can’t keep the car clean to save her life. Who enjoys the silly, sleepy, “roll in the floor with me, mommy!” woman she is. Who still has a passion for her blue jeans and a big, comfy sweat shirt. But loves to remember, on occasion, that she’s 30 and has great legs and two kids, with a pair of heels and some lipstick. Who is learning to love her fluffiness. And who still, is surrounded by the most beautiful women in the world. Lovely. Growing. Unsure sometimes like her. Yet they come together and care for each other in ways that take her breath away. Truly defining friendship.

A thin scarlet thread. Led the way when I couldn’t. Bound together the years and the longings. The dreams and the hopes. Made them bigger and wilder and more fulfilling than anything I could have planned. How thankful I am to have been that girl.

True Confessions of an Afrin Addict...

2010-04-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

I have a problem. One I'm not proud of. But, recognition is the first step to recovery.

I have struggled with allergies most of my life. I think if you live in the Peach State with me, we've struggled together. I saw an Allergist as a child, but as I got older I decided to take matters into my own capable hands.

Doing my best to stay as close to natural as possible, is something I pride myself on. But when it comes to being able to breathe, all bets are off. It literally drives me crazy...the kind of crazy that makes you drive to Wal-Greens at 2:00 in the morning because you know you can't make it until after carpool the nest day.

I've cut our dairy. I've eliminated gluten. I SHOULD be breathing in and out of clear sinuses. NO LUCK!

Unfortunatly, John turned me on to Afrin two years ago now. It's apparently a trade secret for Atlanta Firemen. All the cool kids do it. You go into a burning, sooty building and come out with clogged sinuses...makes sense. But, oh how I rue the day he said, "Here, try this babe. It'll at least help you sleep." And oh, it does! It's immediate! Beautiful! I can breathe deeply. Inhale only through my nose. Sleep with my mouth closed!

The sad thing, is that even right there on that gorgeous little bottle, it says "discontinue use after several days". I've ignored those words for a full two years now. I pretend it's not serious. Only once a day, I say.

But, last night at 2:30, as I was frantically pulling off couch cushions and overturning furniture to find a missing bottle, I realized this problem may be bigger than me. I even woke the children in my panicked search. And they stood there in the hallway sleepy and bleary eyed. Ashlin says, "Mama, what's wrong?". I didn't have the heart to tell her I was looking for my nose spray. I need help.

Me and my girls and some more Spring music...

2010-04-09T20:52:00.000-07:00

We've been in a Starting Line mood, as of late. Windows down. Brown hair blowing. Three sets of sun glasses.

My project this week...

2010-03-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

Part of the puzzle we're fitting together for Ash, that we've really struggled with, is that she needs lots of reminders. We used to feel like she was really stubborn and just not listening...we know better now and are still learning!

And we've been using this with Ash, just on a bigger scale. We have a little notebook for her and it has her morning, afternoon, and evening routines all written down. It has really helped her feel independant. And she knows what to expect. Both good things. But, she struggles in reading them on her own. And we've been doing the same things for almost 2 years now.

I finally got a clue. It's not building her confidence when she struggles for 15 minutes to get through a 5 point list. I should simplify...pictures are okay! This is something we've been encouraged to do by several LD specialists. Children who struggle with LD need predictability, security, and simplicity. And it helps to make it fun!

So, I'm trying now to decide if I want to make an album for her, and give her a dry erase marker so that she can mark through each page when she's done. She loves that!

Or if I want to number the pictures, put them on clothes pins,hang 3 different ribbons, and let her hang them when she's finished them. I think I'll talk to her about it this afternoon. See which one interests her most...

Glad to have something other than schoolwork to work on this week! I have a break, but start back the 22nd. Short but sweet!

(I'm missing two that wouldn't upload right...BUT)

Here's her morning routine pictures:

(INSERT MAKE BED AND BRUSH TEETH)

And her afternoon looks like this:

And her evening looks like this!:

Cute and Happy! And I'm hoping it makes things easier on her...encourages her a bit more! I love Picnik, by the way!

C.S. Lewis knows his stuff...

2010-03-12T07:29:00.000-08:00

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."- C.S. Lewis

(Liberty posts great stuff on their facebook page, and every now and then something really speaks to me. I love this. I love C.S. Lewis.)

Moments that made me happy...

2010-03-11T11:54:00.000-08:00

There have been lots lately! And I love it!

My kids LOVE a good hot tub! I'm guessing all kids do??? But, it was about 25 degrees in all of these pictures (I know I'm going to win mother of the year after admitting I let them do this), and they stayed in for HOURS at a time!

And another thing these made me realize was that Moo does not like to pose for pictures with a smile. Why would you when you could make faces like this?...

Another example of Mady's photo philosophy! And Ashlin gracefully eating a salad!

I adore these pictures, for the fish and people in them! It's truly amazing to stand in the dark and watch them!

That's just good stuff, no matter who you are!

Being hot makes Moo this angry! She does this in the middle of the night often...don't mess with the thermostat!

That's her ballet bag on her head, and goodness do I love this! All the freckles and a perfect pic of my Ash!

Yet again...

I think I may have pulled their hair a little too tight on this morning. This is what you call grumpy!

You have to puff up your cheeks to make it work right!

And probrably two of my favorite pictures of the decade...Madalyn demonstrating her skills as a doctor. Wearing her stethoscope like a headband! John and I almost suffered strokes from laughing at her so hard. And she was DEAD serious too!

Here's to happy moments that make life sparkle!

Gluten Free Finds, for my Georgia Girls!...

2010-03-11T11:23:00.000-08:00

So, I endeavored the Gluten Free lifestyle almost 3 months ago now. It is not easy, I must admit. In a home where everyone else can eat it all, and I try to make sure they have a balanced diet...I find it difficult to then eat almost completely different. But, I'm getting there. I still cook Once A Month. And that's interesting. But, like I said, I'm learning. And the results I'm feeling are well worth it!

So, my plan lately has been to simplify as best I can. We're eating lots of basics with lots of spice and spin. And some new things I'm trying or have done include these great local places...

First, there's The Butchers Block...

John got addicted to this place when he was working at a station close by. They would go in and get a whole mess of steak, and they all swore it was the best you could buy! Plus, it's family owned and it'a always fun to go in there! AND, they have one of my favorite indulgences up at the check out counter...Buck-Eyes! And they are peanut butter heaven! But, we're doing this freezer pack this month (the smallest one) and I'm pretty excited! You can substitute the some of the meat for your needs and since we don't eat pork, I'll swap for my needs...love it! And it will last us all month!

Second, and proprably what I'm most excited about, there's Nature's Garden...

I have a sweet friend from church who told me about this fantastic find! You can customize your little box (or big box) of produce the way you want. And THEN, they deliver organic produce right to your door! Woo Hoo!

Third, and last, there's Sally's Bakery...

I have been looking for GOOD bread and baked goods that are gluten free! And let me tell you, they are hard to find. THEN, they are insanely expensive! Making your own isn't an option, because to purchase all of the products to make a tasty bread would take an arm and a leg...upwards of $40.00...no lie! I tried! And the boxed mixes all leave me dissappointed. But, I found this little gem! And it's not cheap, but it's incredibly comparable! And I'm stoked about the gluten AND dairy free pizzas, as I'm sans the moo juice at the moment also! AND they deliver to your door too!

Anyway, I thought these were fantastic finds and worth looking into for my local buddies! I'll let you know how they all work into our life! Money and all!

Gentle Reminders...

2010-03-11T10:11:00.000-08:00

I love these. When God really gently and kindly reminds me…this is who I say you are! Last week over and over, He reminded me of this.

My namesake is Daniel. And you know that he was tested and tried again and again. And even in the most insane of situations God’s protection and judgment was what covered and saved him.

And I don’t always share completely what is going on in our lives, but friends could attest to the fact that last year was a test…all the way to its toes. I wasn’t sure at times if I was going to make it. Getting out of bed to face what was next was a struggle. But, last week during a meeting God spoke to me, “No weapon formed against you shall prosper.” And that settled into all the right places. And at once the year of struggle behind me made sense. And the comfort was that even in the struggle God had shown up in a mighty way for the Yoders. And He promised me, He’ll continue to!

I feel like in all of it God is really calling me to my core. The struggle makes me recognize my weakness. And He wants me to remember who he says I am. I was reminded last week in the bookstore (by a lovely sales clerk at Lifeway), that my name means “Judged by God only”. And it was like lightening in my spine. As so much of my struggle lies in what you might think of me, what my next door neighbor thinks, what the girls in my small group think…etc. But he was prodding me to remember that that’s not what he wrote for me. He says that I have freedom in the fact that he’s my only judge! HOW AMAZING! It’s in my name, yet it’s what holds me back most!

Anyway, I wanted to remind you to ask Him…Who do you say I am? Because I promise He’ll tell you! And I promise there is freedom there!

On a much lighter note...

2010-02-20T09:25:00.000-08:00

Here's our favorite sunny day song at the moment...you can't help but smile and shimmy a little!

I couldn't embed it, so just click the link...it's worth it, I promise!

Me and my tank tops...

2010-02-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

This might be a little pre-mature, because it is only February. But, it's beginning to warm up around here...which is a very good thing. We really need need the Vitamin D. We have had several gorgeous days here lately...you know the kind that call your name from the kitchen window, begging you to put down those dishes and come bask in all its glory. Today is one of them.

But, I am frustrated with myself as I revisit a very old struggle. Warmer weather means less clothes and that always makes me terribly uncomfortable. The frustration lies in the fact that I've been wrestling with this for healing of my mind for over 18 years now. And granted, I've come SO far. But, I just don't want to keep coming back to this. Grrrrrr!!!!

The facts are that I am healthy. I excercise. I eat well. I TRY and sleep for restoration. But, there's this occasional nag that comes up to remind me of the tag in the back of my jeans. It doesn't say what I think it should say. And sometimes that's just not okay with me.

This hasn't defeated me. And I know it is a wrestling of my mind and heart with the truth of God's word in my life. But, Seriously....how long can you wrestle with one issue!?!?!

I have a dear friend. The safest one I have when it comes to talking about this. And when this comes up, we always end up saying the same thing. We are both looking for that magic key. That one thing that's going to instantly solve this problem. It isn't out there. And it's a matter of control and what we're willing to give up and let go of. Because the truth might be that the number in the back of my jeans is exactly where God intended it to be. Can I be okay with that? I want to be!

So, what do you do when it comes to your struggles with weight? Performance? The mirror? What has God shown you?

All things unexpected...

2010-02-04T21:21:00.000-08:00

I have fought the unexpected all of my life. Instead of being able to take things in stride, readjust, and come back to a happy place, I normally flounder a bit. I had an epic case of floundering in the 7th grade when an unbelievably terrible Math teacher chose to single me out. She was the Math teacher from HELL. I literally didn’t recover academically for years. She didn’t meet my expectations. And I couldn’t deal with that.

‘Tis a pattern for me. Though the older I get, and the more I get to know myself, the quicker recovery comes. Because there’s always disappointment, it’s just knowing how to get back to joy (THANK YOU KAREN AND RTS, for that phrase.)
Parenting has been one place that I’ve really had to learn how to expect the unexpected. I’m not going to be prepared for everthing. And even if I am prepared, things probably aren’t going to go by the book.

Ashlin has been one unexpected event after the next. From day one…and I mean conception, she is always catching me off guard. And I in turn fight my expectations of her daily. I don’t want this to sound depressing or sad…it’s actually a really positive thing. But, from her incredibly strong and stubborn will, to her drive for perfection, to her teeny tiny stature…she has been, well, unexpected.

We have to take things a day at a time with her. We kept her home for pre-school. Something we didn’t get a lot of support over, which was difficult for me at the time. But we felt sure in our decision. And the Lord kept telling me we needed to encourage who she was. So we did, for a year…we have a scrapbook of adventures we took to prove it. It’s something I treasure.

And when she started Kindergarten, it became painfully clear that school was going to be a struggle. After a year of the teacher convincing us we needed to give it time, (I wanted her tested) she finished out the year and did go on to first grade. This year has been unbelievably challenging. There are times when it is so painful to watch her struggle. She is honestly lost and we’ve had such a hard time getting her help. And she has felt the weight of it. But, after asking for a year and a half, we are finally going before a panel to request what she needs! HALLELUIAH!

I have to remind her often that she does not have to be perfect. If we were perfect, we wouldn’t need Jesus. She is a perfectionist and she really has a hard time feeling like she’s not enough in this learning disability. The combination is not ideal! We try and encourage her to step out and make a mistake every now and then. But she struggles with that…she is my daughter after all.

All of this has me thinking recently. When I was pregnant with her, I lived with the scripture…” give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit. Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness" planted by God to display his glory.” Beauty for ashes…hence her name. But, I prayed this over her for nine months. And I feel like it is what God wants her to know and live. Beauty for ashes.

The world she struggles in is expecting things of her that she is not…things she won’t and can’t be. We have been in trouble with doctors since the first time she had a check up. She is seven years old and weighs a whopping 33 pounds and comes in at a whole 4 inches taller than her 3 year old sister. They think we don’t feed her. She’s so far below average that she’s not even on the growth chart. Yet, she’s rarely sick and is incredibly healthy. She just doesn’t meet their expectations.

And school has proven much the same. Where we praise her for the strides she’s making, she works incredibly hard. It feels like the feed back we get is mostly negative. She’s just not learning the “right way” and she can feel that. More unmet expectations.

But, in it all, I realize, I want to help her find life in that scripture. Bouquets of roses instead of ashes. Joy instead of doom. A praising heart, not a languid spirit. An Oak planted by God to display his glory. Just the way she is. Just Ashlin! She is enough! More than enough.

And so as a mommy, I am having to go back to my source and ask Him to remind me who He made her to be, so that my expectations don’t miss the mark.

How I love her. What a gift she’s been. How she’s encouraged me to grow, to be better. She is so many things I wish I was and she truly blesses me. In all her unexpectedness.

Here Now...

2010-01-28T11:27:00.000-08:00

Yep, tomorrow is it…D-day or B-day in this case. I will be 30. Deep breath! But, good things are happening! Not that I’m surprised, God is always faithful to meet me when I ask!

I met with a friend last week to talk about studying in my Psych classes. And several hours later, I had more insight than I’d bargained for. Talk about school led to talk about life, and she really helped me to get to the root of things! Good stuff! And unless you lead this life (husband gone all the time in service) it’s hard to explain the constant battle you fight. How to be self-sufficient and capable and at the same time how to share the portion left with the sweet hubs. It’s a balancing act I’m still figuring out…and when it boils down to it, it is the center of my struggle. And I’m glad to be able to work on it. So, moving on.

Things to be thankful for in 30 years…

~ My family…mom and dad and little brother. I can honestly say, that the older I get, the more I realize how incredibly lucky I was growing up. They gave me my most precious gift in life, a heart for the Lord. And I was incredibly loved and cared for…lucky I tell you! And now my parents are able to give my girls something I never had in a relationship with their grandparents…I love that! And my girls are more than could have imagined! I always wanted 3 boys, a football team. But, now, I can’t imagine what life would be without all of the pink and the ballet shoes and baby dolls. They are my heart outside of my body! And , my John. We have had years of adventure! I sent him an email this week and asked if he realized he’d shared a third of my life with me. We have grown up and discovered who we are together. I cannot wait to see what the next ten years has for us…things are going to change in the next two years and having him home again is going to be such a relief! A day we’re all looking forward to!

~My friends…I had breakfast with my best friend of 26 years on Monday (26 YEARS!!!). And I am blessed to watch our little girls play together. Isn’t that amazing!? She has been constant and faithful. And in 26 years I can only recall on one hand the number of times we’ve fought! A lot of it has to do with our personalities, but the rest is just love for each other. And in the last 10 years of my life, God has given me relationships that have been so life giving and uplifting! I love some of the ladies in my life like sisters…I can openly talk about my “love” life and have a hearty laugh about it with some of you (wink, wink, you know who you are!) And if you know me at all, you know how nearly impossible it is for me to talk openly about almost anything without becoming insanely embarrassed and crimson red! This is a true testament to how much I love you! Some of you have been my lifelines when I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the next day.

~My story…I have had opportunity. I’ve traveled the world, with only a backpack and a mat. I met the President of Iceland (I really did, but this is a joke, not something to really celebrate. As it was one of the more boring moments in my life…still it’s funny to mention). I’ve made music and traveled to share it all over the country. I’ve been a teacher. A mommy. A daughter. A friend. A sister. A wife. A lover. And a student. I’ve pursued my dreams with more passion than I knew I had. I’ve seen God do miracles. I’ve watched in awe, as He’s done them in me.

I can honestly say, right now, I’m excited about what my next 10 years holds…even my next 30. I keep going back to it, but isn’t God faithful!? I can’t wait for the adventure ahead of me. As all I’ve seen and lived through goes with me, I’m able to look ahead and dream and hope for where He is taking me next. I will rest in Him. I will hope in Him.

I’m still working on my list of things I want to do in my next 10 years…but soon enough! For now, I’m just going to feel loved and thankful for today and for where I’ve been.

A friend posted a Ray Lamontagne song a few weeks ago on facebook. And though it wasn't this song, it made me remember how much I love him and so I unearthed him in all of my itunes music. And I've had this song in my head since..."Be here now." I love that. And I want to do just that. Be here now. In the middle of it all. In whatever this day holds for me...30 and all! (I love this song, every word of it! Listen up!)

An Uncle Ed. . .

2010-01-20T16:35:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs one. I’ve come to this conclusion.

I have an Aunt, my Aunt Dianne, who is seriously one of my favorite people on the planet! I can’t begin to tell you how much I love her. Or how much I treasure the freedom and encouragement she constantly gives me to just be me, something she’s always done.

And January always makes me wish I was just a few miles down the road from her. Because even though she’s one of the strongest people I know, January’s always a little sad and a little achy and I always want to hug her. She lost my Uncle John tragically a few years ago…it was an earth shattering thing. Even now, as much as I loved him, there’s always a lump in my throat remembering him…who he was. And I wasn’t married to him. I cannot fathom the grief that came with the truth in all the tragedy. Even still, the years following have been shaken in the wake of his loss. She’s experienced more than I could imagine. But, she’s resilient, driven, and sure, and she came out of tragedy determined to find the good God had/has for her. And she’s done it so well!

Last year she got re-married. And we hadn’t gotten a chance to spend much time with the new man in her life, but I knew he had to be pretty wonderful to deserve her. And slowly we’ve gotten to see bits and pieces of him and all the greatness she sees in him. He’s a fellow firefighter (from way back), so of course, it’s a given that he and John are instant buddies. He’s a culinary genius, and I don’t say this lightly, I’m serious…BEST.FOOD.I’VE.EVER.EATEN! Hands down! He’s funny, which is always a plus and great in my family, since sarcasm is always oozing! And he’s a teddy bear, sweet, sweet, sweet! But, more than all the rest he is unbelievably, generously loving. He has fallen in love with my girls. They don’t realize how much. But, he’s always sending them “Love you’s” in the mail. Things he knows I would never buy, and so he takes delight in the sugar high he knows they experience even with him hundreds of miles away.

He’s from New Orleans. So, I got an email this weekend from him, letting me know he’d sent the girls a King Cake. He wanted them to know the history and experience looking for the baby in every bite. (If you don’t know the history of the king cake, click on the link for a little explanation. Pretty fun!) And they opened it and lit up to find beaded necklaces and bright colored coins, feathered masks and of course a GIANT cake, just for them.

And today as I was straightening the kitchen and picking up purple beads, I was suddenly so thankful for him. And not for the things he gives, or the occasional sugar highs he induces, but because of all he offers my precious Aunt. She deserved wonderful, and I truly feel like she found it!

Tick-Tock. . .

2010-01-18T17:37:00.000-08:00

Y’all, I’m starin’ down the barrel of 30, in 2 short weeks. I’ve mulled over it for a full year now. I’ve asked that we ignore it all together. But, John recently told me, that we were celebrating whether I liked it or not.

I decided last week that I needed to really figure out what was bothering me so about 30, because it’s really not THAT old! To me it’s almost stifling…I know, I’m airing on the dramatic side, but I feel entitled, so indulge me.

I realized in my searching that it’s not really 30, not the age that I’m bothered by. It’s just the passing of time. It’s a check of where I am, where I’ve been, what I’ve done….all that I want to do. And it’s all a bit overwhelming. My hope is that by the time I’m ready to celebrate, I’ll have some resolution. It’s not a BAD thing, after all.

I’m working on a list of hopes and goals for my next 10 years, things I’m looking forward to! I’m sure this will be cathartic. I have a lot of thinks to think for now…

I should cling to these words...

2010-01-12T14:58:00.000-08:00

"We are continually faced by glorious opportunities, brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems". -Rev. Jerry Falwell

On my heart. . .

2009-12-20T18:57:00.000-08:00

“We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” Psalm 33:20-22

I'll have to remember. . .

2009-12-19T15:01:00.001-08:00

Do you remember those really scary and poorly done public service videos you watched in school growing up? I can still remember the "Stranger Danger" videos like I'm sitting right there in my second grade classroom.

I picked Ash up from a birthday party today around noon. So, at lunchtime we were catchin' up. Talking about her night and what she's looking forward to this week. And then, mid conversation, she puts her fork down, and wraps her hand around the back of her neck. And she looks at me and says, "Oh gosh, my neck is really killin' me. I hope I don't get meningitis over the holidays. That would really be terrible." And then I spit my food out at her.

After I'd finished choking, I asked her where the heck her seven year old self acquired the knowledge to diagnose neck pain as meningitis. And for that matter, how did she know what meningitis was.

She went on to tell me that they had an assembly at school recently and they watched an entire video on meningitis. And I'm sure it will haunt her forever...my little hypochondriac.

Christmas Past...

2009-12-16T08:58:00.000-08:00

10 years ago, this December, I was living just outside of Nasville on a YWAM base. I had done my 3 months of Discipleship Training School, and was headed home for the holidays soon. I can still remember laying on my bed one afternoon, I had been reading the Nativity story over and over again, and I could not seem to shake thinking about it. It had all come on the heels of weeks of prayer over our outreach that was quickly approaching. I was headed to southeat Asia. Parts of the world, where coming to Christ might mean your life. And even if it wasn't that severe, you would surely be rejected by your family.

Anyway, it all went hand in hand for me as I thought about Mary. So young. I know that at 13, taking on the things she faced would have just about killed me. But, we don't know anything other than, she heard, answered, and obeyed. I kept imagining her in the place of those I was going to be with soon. What if Christ in her life meant her family was no longer accepting of her. What if it angered those she loved. What if it isolated her. She obviously knew He was worth the sacrifice. So, she must have been so in love with who He was, that she was willing to risk it all for Him.

So, it led me to write this. I'm always apprehensive when I share it, as I know it fills in A LOT of details that aren't provided. And I'm not a historian, or a theologian. But, this was what came out of my heart at the time. A way to tell the story of the sacrifice that He is worth...was worth. I was, after all, going to take this gift to those who would have to understand the sacrifice that would come with loving Him. And this sacrifice is something that, as Americans, we don't know much about. So, this is "Mary's Story". Merry Christmas!

December 1999, Nashville

Mary’s Story

The sun set in the expanse before them. And the soft tints of the watercolor sky soon melted into a blue and then a deeper black. As the warmth of the day followed the sun’s lead, the cold crept in and settled around them. The streets of the unfamiliar city were empty, hollowed out after the fullness of the day. And the echo of hoofs pierced the silence and bounced from cobbled street to stony wall and startled the ears of the little donkey responsible for all the noise. The little animal’s legs were beginning to buckle under the weight of several days’ load and a weak expectant mother. The child on the donkey’s back turned her face to heaven and prayed for provision in the long night she knew she had ahead.

Her husband pushed the weary crew along as quickly as possible and the cold of the night fogged his face with every breath. It became clearer with every step taken, that a place to rest was necessary. But after knocking on several doors that were closed in his face, he began to lose hope. Then on the outskirts of town, at a small inn, he pounded on the door and prayed as he watched the spark of a candle move from an upstairs room, down an outside hallway and disappear. A man appeared, opening the heavy door just to give a loud refusal and close the door in his face, again. But as the innkeeper turned to close the door, a desperate father stepped in between them and begged, “A closet or even the stables. Anywhere my wife can lay her head. Please!?” The man started, half asleep, and peered around him to see the young mother draped over the back of the tired little donkey. And instead of turning them away, he motioned for them to follow him.

The innkeeper led them around the inn to the crest of a hill and pointed beyond the wall of the city where the rolling pastures left the flame-lit streets and became a dark grey. There was a shadow of an old stable, nestled into the face of a cave, and he granted them use of it for what was left of the night. And in a relieved huff, this father grabbed the donkey by the reigns and forced it into the dark that lie beyond the city and finally to the walls of the stable. Nervous now, because he knew their baby boy was close, he fumbled in the dark to find something, anything, to make a fire. And just as he had it lit, he turned for his wife and she collapsed, exhausted in his arms.

Who would have ever known looking at her, what a dramatic change her small life had taken over the past year? Sometimes, she wondered if this was all a dream. In the excitement of her engagement, her family had spent months focusing on wedding plans and she had all but disappeared to them. So she spent hours in the temple, and the priests had begun to recognize her as part of the temple tapestry. Day after day, too overwhelmed with what was going on at home, she found refuge on her knees and the God of Israel became hers. Sometimes his reality was so overwhelming to her that she cried out to him for his tangible presence. At times, there, facedown, she could feel Him and she listened to His voice and she fell deeper in love with Him. And days turned into months.

The wedding grew close. One night she woke from sleep and there at the foot of her bed stood an angel. She wiped her eyes, then tried to let out a cry, but she was overcome with peace. So, she waited and she listened. The angel spoke of how she had found favor in the eyes of God, and she was to bear a child. He was to save the nations and she was to call Him Emmanuel, God with us. She spent the rest of the night in prayer, and as the darkness began to fade, she knew she must speak to her Joseph. In the quiet of the early morning, she rushed through the back alleys of the city until she reached his home. She paced the ground, head down, looking for the perfect pebble to toss into his window, knowing he was still asleep. And as she tossed it into his second story window, she heard it echo against the floor and when he appeared she prayed for words.

The next couple of days were a blur to her. There had been anger. Hurt. Accusation. But, in her heart, she was certain and she knew her God would provide. So she waited. And in a sweep of secrecy, the marriage plans collapsed and the two were wed in the privacy of family. Then she and her husband went into hiding on the outside of town. Lonely months went by and then depended on each other and a God who had been faithful and they prayed day in, day out, for the child that was quietly taking shape in her womb. Only heaven knew. And now, in a stable outside of Bethlehem, she waited on the promised Savior, her son, her baby boy. Their prayer, “God have your way, your will be done. Touch his hands, guide his feet, and keep his heart. Not ours, he is yours. God’s gift to a waiting world. Your will be done.”

The Savior of the Nations didn’t come in a blaze of glory or with the shout of trumpets. Instead, He came in the midst of brokenness. His mother only a child. His bed a feeding trough. The birth of King Jesus caused disruption and He re-arranged plans. But His plans are perfect. He loved us enough, to leave His Father and be one of us. He brought freedom, and truth, and righteousness, and TRUE love all in a baby’s cry. And Christ, God Himself, was born in a stable.

To start the holiday festivities...

2009-11-30T09:24:00.000-08:00

We spent most of last week idling between the hospital and our different families' homes. It was a very Happy Thanksgiving, though! But, I was glad to begin a new week and send my oldest love off to school this morning. I was up until 2:00 last night doing homework and am so glad to be decorating for Christmas today! YAY!

I got both of the trees up and was slowly taking things out of the boxes when Mady screams... "Mommy, der's a burd!" Thinking she was standing at the window, I just asked "Is it pretty?". And she says, "No, it's scawwy! Help me!" It was then that I heard the flapping of wings from the living room. This could not be good.

An hour, 4 bed sheets, and a rake later...the bird flew out the front door. I can only hope that he chose to drop in because he saw all our festive decorations and thought we had the perfect place to spend the holidays.

Mady quickly returned to decorating her and Ash's tree (all of the ornaments are on the bottom right hand side of the tree...hilarious!). We made ornaments last year, and they were so excited to get them out again. I have to say, if you have little ones who like to dress and un-dress the tree, these are great. Edible (though I don't recommend it). Nearly Unbreakable. And SUPER CUTE! We have kids in and out of the house all the time. So, this is was a way to have a kid friendly tree without me sweating over all of my heirloom ornaments. The one downstairs, is smaller and packed with all of my childhood memories, and those we've started for the girls...it's safer down there!

So, if you're crafty, and are looking for something to do on a rainy afternoon...these are fun! And a great tradition to start. I have a friend who tried them with her girls after I shared this recipe last year, and they loved them just as much as we did!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Keepsake Cookies

4 cups of all purpose flour
1 cup of salt
1 1/2 cups of water

Pre-heat the oven to 300. Mix the ingredients and knead well. Make a small ball. Add a touch of water if the dough feels dry and is cracking.

Roll dough to 1/2" thick. Stamp out cookies with your favorite cookie cutters. Use a straw to poke a hole in the top of the ornament for hanging later. Bake for one hour.

Allow ornaments to cool completely. Then decorate to look like REAL cookies. We used puff paints and glitter. After they've dried. Cover them with a good coat of Mod Podge and let them dry completely. String them with your favorite festive ribbons and decorate away!

Kitchen Therapy...

2009-11-23T09:24:00.000-08:00

I'm planning on baking a mess of yummy-ness today to ease a bit of the intensity around here. Ash is off all week. Mady slept until almost 10:00 this morning. And other than school and the hospital, everything else can wait. My home and my girls need some TLC. So, we're tackling some goodies for Thursday! YAY! My mouth waters everytime I read these recipes! Try them! Enjoy!

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients:

•1 c shortening
•1 c brown sugar
•1 c canned pumpkin
•1 egg
•1 tsp vanilla extract
•2 c all purpose flour
•1 tsp baking powder
•1 tsp ground cinnamon
•1/2 tsp baking soda
•1/2 tsp salt
•1/4 tsp ground ginger
•1/2 tsp nutmeg
•1 c white chocolate baking chips (but I'm using dark chocolate chunks)

Directions:

1.Pre-heat oven to 350
2.In a small bowl, sift together all dry ingredients
3.Be sure to mix using a spoon, using an electric mixer will cause batter to become dry
4.In large bowl, cream together shortening and brown sugar
5.Add pumpkin and mix well
6.Mix in egg and vanilla extract
7.Stir in flour mixture one quarter at a time being sure to mix well after each addition
8.Pour in white chocolate chips and stir. Batter will seem slightly soft
9.Drop by tablespoon about two inches apart onto greased cookie sheet
10.Bake 10 to 15 min

Chocolate Paint:

1.To make chocolate "paint" melt 1/3 c white chocolate chips in a double boiler, fondue pot or a small sauce pan placed in a pot of slowly simmering water.
2.Add 1/4 to 1/3 tsp canola oil. The amount of oil you need will depend on your chocolate, start by adding the minimum amount and add until you have a nice glossy look and a spreadable texture.
3.Dip a clean dry art brush into chocolate and use to decorate cooled cookies

PUMPKIN WHOOPIE COOKIES

Ingredients:

3 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 tablespoons ground cinnamon
1 tablespoon ground ginger
1 tablespoon ground cloves
2 cups firmly packed dark-brown sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
3 cups pumpkin puree, chilled
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

FOR THE CREAM-CHEESE FILLING:

3 cups confectioners' sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Directions:

1.Make the cookies: Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or a nonstick baking mat; set aside.

2.In a large bowl, whisk together flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves; set aside. In another large bowl, whisk together brown sugar and oil until well combined. Add pumpkin puree and whisk until combined. Add eggs and vanilla and whisk until well combined. Sprinkle flour mixture over pumpkin mixture and whisk until fully incorporated.

3.Using a small ice cream scoop with a release mechanism, drop heaping tablespoons of dough onto prepared baking sheets, about 1 inch apart. Transfer to oven and bake until cookies are just starting to crack on top and a toothpick inserted into the center of each cookie comes out clean, about 15 minutes. Let cool completely on pan.

4.Make the filling: Sift confectioner' sugar into a medium bowl; set aside. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat butter until smooth. Add cream cheese and beat until well combined. Add confectioners' sugar and vanilla, beat just until smooth. (Filling can be made up to a day in advance. Cover and refrigerate; let stand at room temperature to soften before using.)

5.Assemble the whoopie pies: Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and set aside. Transfer filling to a disposable pastry bag and snip the end. When cookies have cooled completely, pipe a large dollop of filling on the flat side of half of the cookies. Sandwich with remaining cookies, pressing down slightly so that the filling spreads to the edge of the cookies. Transfer to prepared baking sheet and cover with plastic wrap. Refrigerate cookies at least 30 minutes before serving and up to 3 days.

Now you're hungry aren't you!!!

Hmmm, Where to begin...

2009-11-23T08:49:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid this one might be long and at times non-sensical. As I have several weeks stored up in the back of my bloggy mind. I've had to take a forced sebatical from Oh-So-Many things in the past 2 weeks. I had finals and a research paper and then we got a phone call that stopped our worlds. I'll spare you details, but an accident put my father-in-law into ICU, and things have not improved since he arrived. There have been a number of other things that seem to be pressing in on my family. But, I can say that I'm reminded how blessed I am by the people in my life.

I have continued to ask God to be in the middle of us. To love on us, speak to us, give us direction, give us comfort...and of course he has.

Yesteday, after a week of fighting off sickness with Mady, I was afraid I would not be able to make it to church. But, we made it, and I was so glad we did. Thomas (our fantastic pastor) started a new sermon series yesterday...called "I Hope". I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to what's to come. But, yesterday, it settled in my heart in just the right place. He spoke about planting your roots...where do you go? Are you being fed? What DO you hope in when things get tough? You can only imagine, it hit home.

And driving home, we listened to a mix cd that the girls put together. It has all of their favorites, from Miley and Taylor, to Bing Crosby and Harry Connick, with a little Hillsong United and Brooke Fraser thrown in there. One of my favorites on the cd is "Oh You Bring" by Hillsong. And though I've listened to it nearly a thousand times, I was taken by these words.

Oh You fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh You find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth

And You opened the door for me
And You laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus You're everything I need

All honour
All glory
All praise to You

I truly don't know how I would survive outside of the hope I have in him. He is a balm for all that's broken. He is always meeting my right in the middle of my heartache. Speaking to me and reminding me of who he is.

He is truly my reason for Thanksgiving, not only this week, but everyday. Even when it's hard and it hurts, he is all I need!

I pray that for you!

What I'm Not...

2009-11-04T19:48:00.000-08:00

I have to say in my near 30 years, I have studied Proverbs 31, Oh about 4 million times. It seems to be either a favorite with women or a really sore spot. And truthfully, I haven't loved it for most of my life. But, I also didn't have the right perspective.

I've always felt it was a laundry list of things that I would NEVER be able to accomplish. I am not good at most of the things this woman excels at and when I say most I mean none. I love personality studies, and I've recently dug a little deeper into my own personality. This woman is definitly Type A...driven, she finds joy in the task. I would be her complete opposite. Thinking about the task makes me tired. I would much rather invest in the people around me. And until recently, I felt like that was a bad thing.

The truth about this whole chapter (AND I truly love this truth), is that it isn't about the task. It is about the relationship. This woman finds the energy and enginuity because she's first seeking her Father. And out of that relationship comes her strengths. And the heart to do them unto the Lord.

If this scripture had been written about you, what would it look like? Would it describe your craftiness? your culinary expertise? what about the way you tend to your children? maybe it would describe your wonderful ability to find new nature trails for exploring on Saturday afternoons? But, what comes out of your heart, as a mother, a wife, a friend, as you seek your Father?

I learn something new everyday about where my Father is taking me, and the role He has for me in my home. And I do my best to honor Him daily here. But, I'm so thankful for the freedom to be me, because that's truly honoring Him most!

This is especially for all my VCC Coffee and Conversation Mommies, who've been on my heart and in my mind lately! I love that every one of you is distinctly different from the next and that all of our homes look different because of it...but most importantly, God is in the center of them. I love, love, love EVERY ONE OF YOU! And my Mandy, I miss you terribly! But I was thinking of you as I wrote!

Halloween Cuteness!...

2009-11-03T16:30:00.001-08:00

The girls got to spend the first Halloween with their Daddy in 3 years...they were elated! And he valiently walked from door to door with them in the rain for an hour and a half.

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride...

2009-11-03T09:47:00.000-08:00

Except I don't go by Mr. Toad (unless it's on the occasional bad day when my children use it to refer to me).

John has decided that after he's retired from the fire department he's going to write a book about all of my mis-adventures. He says he's sure that no other woman can find as much catastrophe as I can. I'm not sure this is true. But because he has to rescue me quite often, I'm sure his opinion is a tad skewed.

Friday evening I had made plans to take food to a friend who's on bed rest waiting for her second baby to come. We had been shuffling about all day, so about 6:30 I was finally able to get everything together. John had another impromptu day off, so decided he'd take the girls with him to get some firewood. He traded phones with me (his has GPS), and made sure I had the address to my friend's programmed into the phone. Off he went. And I sat in the driveway talking to a friend on the phone...telling her I'd had a headache all day. My glasses and contacts were giving me an even bigger headache so I had decided to journey without them. She even said, "Danielle, you think that's a good idea? You can't see to drive without them in the dark." I reassured her, it would be more than fine. After all, it was just getting dark and this was going to be a short trip. I'd be home in a jiffy. This would end up being the decision that would cause 4 hours of blind driving in parts of Georgia I didn't know existed.

So, I set out. Warm cookies and soup nestled into the seat beside me. And I listened to the lull of that sweet GPS voice as it directed me out of Woodstock and into Kennesaw...thinking about how much I loved the fact that I was also listening to NPR on the radio and no one was there to complain about it. Shortly after I left familiar territory and crossed into parts of Kennesaw I didn't know, John's phone (which wasn't being so sweet anymore) notified me that it could no longer assist me with this function. And I reached for it just as the phone shut off...dead battery.

I pulled over in a cemetery (because it was the closest thing I could find) and frantically searched for the charger. BUT, I came to find out later, my dear husband doesn't keep it in the car (well, NO, that would just be silly). But he does keep it in his backpack, just in case he's walking somewhere and his phone dies, then he can plug it into one of those street side cigarette lighters (it makes total sense).

At this point, I thought, "You've come this far, don't give up now!" So, I bravely pulled out onto this dark road in the middle of who-knows-where and pressed on. Now at this point, I could see nothing, as it had gotten very dark. I was driving 15 miles an hour, clutching the steering wheel, and leaning into the windshield as close as I could. There were seriously people pulling around me on this two lane road screaming obscenities. I'm sure they thought I was 65. But, I just kept thinking "If I can just find this street, I know I'm close".

(Okay, I know at this point you're thinking, "Why didn't you just turn around and go home, lady?" And I honestly can't tell you why I didn't. This is what gets me in trouble. Some odd drive to do the impossible on my own. It never turns out well.)

After another 30 minutes, I started to panic. I finally found civilization and pulled into a Publix, trying to find a car charger. Where the clerk at the front laughed and pointed me to a Wal-Mart another 10 miles down the road. Well, at least I didn't have to make any turns. I could do a straight path at this point, if it meant help.

That Wal-Mart was like heaven. And I ran in and into the back to the electronics where I spent 20 minutes with another sales clerk trying to fit John's phone. Success! I headed for the car, only to get there and realize I'd bought a wall charger. Of course I did!

I refused to go back in. At this point I was 2 and 1/2 hours into this mess. I remembered passing a fire station a few miles back on this long stretch of road. And so I turned around and headed for my people...knowing they could help. I could see it up ahead, and I tell you I almost cried. I pulled into the parking lot, to see the crew standing outside..."Yay, they're here, I'm gonna get some help!" I was so excited that I opened the door and jumped out pushing the door, hard behind me. Only to throw myself on the ground into a puddle nearly breaking my tail bone! IT.WAS.AWESOME!

Of course, they came running, but they were laughing as they ran. I then had to tell my sad, sordid, tale. They got me a towel, pulled out the map book, walked me through finding it, and then even drew me a little map. Thank God for firemen! Seriously! I was so thankful I gave them all the cookies I was going to deliver. This was a good trade off as they were heading out for dessert when I showed up.

I got home at 10:30...that's right 10:30! Four hours of driving around, blind, in the rain, on a Friday night. Yeah, it's not usually what I do for fun. When I got home, John recalled the search party. He said for awhile he was worried, thinking something terrible had happened. And then he remembered it was me. And knew I'd be home with some story soon.

A fantastic surprise of a day...

2009-10-29T09:49:00.001-07:00

John had to take off some time this week, to appear in court. So, we had him home 3 days in a row. My load this week was big, and so I was thankful for the extra hands for a few days. I've worked hard all week, and am through with 2 books, 2 tests, and part of a paper. I still have 2 more tests and another paper, but I'M SO FAR!!! My house is a wreck. And normally this would drive me crazy, BUT I've spent some sweet time with my family, I've been diligent, and I have spent some amazing time with the Lord! All things in perspective, right?!

Yesterday, I had plans to study all day. But, when we got up and got Ash off to school, we had a rare moment of spontaneity and decided to do nothing but spend the day together. So, we went back to school, captured Ash and headed to the Pumpkin Patch! (Great money saving tip: the week of Halloween, almost everything is free or half price at these places...we spent NO money-except for ice cream) We ended a long day on the backporch carving pumpkins! I can't tell you how long it's been since we've been able to spend this much time with John! It was worth the sacrifice of time, and such a blessing!

So, here's some highlights:

Peace, Love, and Bear Paws! (Boston Elementary Bear Paws) I can't tell you how excited she was at the surprise!

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this Mr. Potato Head set that my mom gave the girls! So cute! Lots of work, though!

The unveiling took Daddy a long time. And I was freezing and SO tired at this point. He thought he was being funny, taking my picture.

So dirty. And so happy. They had a blast, and even got to stay up late!

My Kids...

2009-10-28T08:54:00.000-07:00

...know how to make my day. When I went to pick Ash up at school, one of her friends grabbed me by the hand and asked, "How come Ashlin's sister can pick her up...where's her mommy?" I almost kissed the child.

And as I was putting on my sweatshirt and sweeping my dirty hair up into a clip on the top of my head, Mady says "Mommy, you look like a beautiful Cinderella." I DID kiss her.

I love that children find beauty in the mess...I think it's God's reminder to me that regardless of how I feel, I'm valuable! I'm thankful for that!

2 Weeks, In Pictures...

2009-10-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

I feel as though time has slowed to some absurd crawl for the past 2 weeks. Even though, they've gone by in a blur, they have been brimming with the constant movement of our lives. I have studied more in the past 2 weeks than I think I EVER did in my past educational life. I only have 2 and 1/2 more weeks of the 4 classes I'm currently taking. And then I'll be back down to 2. But, at the moment, I understand why college initially happens when we're 18 and un-tethered by other things in life...my nearly 30 year old mind is begging for a nap!

Our life in pictures...2 weeks...

My first attempt at Once a Month Cooking was fun...long and tedious on my own, but it's been SO worth it! I knocked everything out in 2 different weeks. Good stuff! I plan on doing it again!

I look at this picture and think...We're getting so OLD! John's had a little bit of time off in the past 2 weeks and when he wasn't handling contractors, he was helping me with History homework and folding laundry. Here we had taken a very LATE pause for a movie and a snuggle.

Huh?...What?...You can't tell what Mady's doing in this picture? Well, this was one of many attempts at getting her face in the shot, I failed everytime, as she was flying around the metal pole. But, here she is doing one of her favorite things at Etowah. Watching the band and football team practice, and playing up and down the stairs in the bare stadium...this is one of my favorite Fall traditions with Ash, she loves to watch the band. Mady seems to think it's pretty fun too!
Here I am with my 2 new best friends...the couch and my pencil. I think I've sat on this couch more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the 3 years since we bought it. Ash snapped this picture while I was taking a Psych test.

My little Minnie Mouse. So cute! Her dance class dressed up this week and it made her immensely happy! This costume is a riot to me. The smallest one we could find, and it still swallows her whole! She loves it though!

I'm hoping that as normal life resumes just before Thanksgiving, I'll be able to get back to the things I love! Like writing and picture taking! For now, we're just gettin' by!

For All You Busy Mommies...

2009-10-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

I found this website, Once A Month Mom, about two months ago in pursuit of help in juggling dinner, my homework, and my first grader's homework. She makes everything VERY easy. And if you have Gluten and Dairy allergies she has an alternate menu. I tackled a batch of recipes last week, and the rest last night...every one has had rave reviews so far. There are a few things I've altered (like the kind of flour or the cans of cream of ________ soup and I've used soy alternates this time around as I'm not doing wheat or dairy at the moment). So if you're inclined...it's oh-so-helpful!

I Love Elizabeth Elliot...

2009-10-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

"I have one desire now, to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it." ~ Elisabeth Elliot

Just cute, that's all...

2009-10-12T14:51:00.000-07:00

Since I'm really slow in the creativity department right now, due to brain drain from a grueling semester, I thought I'd do something brainless for the moment and share a new obsession. SCRAPBLOG!

I have a friend who told me she thought this was scrapbooking for the lazy and I said "PHSSHHH! Wait 'til you spend 6 months on a book and then have your toddler tear it up in -6 seconds...then you'll think it's genius!"

I'm wanting to finish before Christmas, because you can have them published in glossy book form...love that! And I want to give my parent's one since they took me and the girls to the mountains this summer. So, enjoy the cuteness, it's all I've got right now.

Validation...

2009-10-05T10:49:00.000-07:00

I have several things to do this week (several being a gargantuan understatement). And yesterday, after the culmination of a similar week, I found myself crying pitifully in a dark, scalding shower. I felt quite ridiculous, I have to say.

I had spent 2 long weeks, studying for an exam with a study guide the professor had given. Pretty bankable you’re going to do well, right? And to my horror, as I started the test there was hardly a nod to the study guide. 2 hours and 75 questions later…I received a 74. John’s feeble attempt at making me feel better was, “Congratulations! YOU PASSED! And you still have a B in the class! How can you be sad?” This somehow didn't help AT ALL!

So, I climbed the stairs and hid in the shower. You probably can’t tell by this post, but I’m an over-achiever who puts a lot of pressure on herself. Like every other mother I know, I am trying to be wife, mother, student, friend, daughter, CEO, banker, chef, pediatrician, professional organizer, chauffeur, and on the occasion, all things to all people. It is IMPOSSIBLE. And in the dark of the shower last night, I realized why I was so crushed. I was needing a little validation. And getting none.

I had a few self-righteous moments where I thought, “doesn’t my professor have any idea what my life has been like for the past 2 weeks? “ If he did he would have given me a few extra points for effort and life struggle, right? The point is that, at that moment, I just needed to hear that what I did mattered. That all the hard work, all the sleeplessness was not going un-noticed. And like I said before, it left me feeling ridiculous, a bit like a pouting 3 year old.

The truth is that, I need to re-adjust my thinking. My motivations have gotten a bit skewed. And I need to step back and remind myself of the reality of why I’m doing this in the first place. It is not for the recognition. It is not for the occasional lofty round of applause. No, the end result, may in the long run, go completely un-noticed. I DO know, that God will honor my heart and my obedience. I just want to honor him, attitude and all, every step of the way on this journey.

He will be my validation. Of this I’m sure.

Fall, Yummy Goodness…

2009-10-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Thursday afternoon, after the alleged tire incident, I may or may not, have made a big pot of chili and homemade cornbread to take to the fire department. If I had, I would have made this, though:

Snowy Day White Chili

3 cans of Great Northern Beans, drained
1 Rotisseree Chicken shredded
2 small onions, chopped
1 tablespoon olive oil
4 cloves of garlic, minced
2 4oz. cans of chopped green chiles
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 ½ teaspoons dried oregano
¼ teaspoon ground cloves
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper (less if you’re not a fan of the hot stuff, I was cooking for firemen)
½ cup half and half
6 cups chicken broth
2 cups shredded Monterey Jack cheese (8 oz.)
Salt and pepper to taste

Sautee onion in olive oil for 10 minutes over medium heat. Add the garlic, chiles, cumin, oregano, cloves, and cayenne, and cook for 2 more minutes. Add the beans and broth, and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and let simmer for an hour. Add the half and half and chicken, let simmer another hour. Just before serving add the cheese and stir until it is all melted. Serve with sour cream, salsa, and cilantro (if you like, we eat it naked).

(This is some heavenly stuff! Comfort food at its best!)

I adore all things pumpkin! And let’s be real, who doesn’t love a cinnamon roll? I found this recipe Friday night at my mom’s and HAD to try it this weekend. The great thing is that it makes a double batch, so I have one in the freezer!

Pumpkin Buns

(Let me preface this by saying, I am horrible with dough. So I whipped out my bread machine, put it on the dough setting and dumped the ingredients in. It came out perfectly, so , my recipe picks up where the bread machine left off)

Dough:
1 envelope active dry yeast (1/4 ounce)
¼ cup warm water
1 teaspoon plus 2 tablespoons granulated sugar (I used turbinado)
2 eggs
¼ cup unsalted butter, melted
1 can solid pack pumpkin
5 ½ cups all purpose flour ( I used unbleached, organic…I was afraid to use whole grain flour, I thought it might be too tough)
¾ teaspoon salt

Filling:
½ cup unsalted softened butter
¼ cup granulated sugar
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1 tablespoon cinnamon

Glaze:
2 cups powdered sugar
3 tablespoons milk

Divide dough evenly into 2. Roll out half to form roughly 16x10 rectangles. Spread with half of the filling. Starting on one long side, roll up jelly-roll fashion. Repeat with other half.

Cut logs crosswise into about 12 1-inch pieces. Arrange cut side down into 2 greased pans. Cover with plastic wrap and let sit in a warm place for 30-45 minutes to rise. At this point you can bake, refrigerate, or freeze. When you get ready to bake, bake at 350 uncovered for 36 minutes. If frozen bake for 30. Drizzle with glaze.

(These are unbelievably yummy! I wish Moo had not broken my camera last week so you could see how beautiful they were. Orange and gooey!)

(a long ago picture of Ashlin and I sharing one of our favorite things to make together...chocolate cake~thought it would be appropriate since she was my cooking partner this weekend!)

Hypothetically…

2009-10-01T20:54:00.000-07:00

Let’s just say, hypothetically, that this morning I did like I always do, and hopped in the car to go to carpool in my jammies. Ash dressed and ready. Mady still in a diaper (that’s how she sleeps).

And let’s say, that when I pulled up in the carpool line, a frantic woman in the parking lot chased me down waving and flailing. Just to pound on my window and scream, “You’ve got a flat, like pancake flat.” I might wonder how I drove a whole 2 and ½ miles down the road, without noticing a thing.

Then, maybe I pulled into a parking space to remember that I’d left my cell at home. And that changing a flat on the Envoy requires a team of highly trained technicians. I’ve tried before. I know.

And then, maybe I had to take myself inside (in my pajamas, mind you), with my naked two year old, and beg use of the office phone from the well manicured front office staff at the Elementary School.

And what if, by chance, John tells me some way to rig it, until I can get to the Discount Tire store. And when I try, it all goes to pot. So I lay in the parking lot of the school, under the car, trying to figure out where all the secret keys and knobs are. So I can attempt to get that 100 pound tire down myself, only to be interrupted not once, but TWICE by the secretary to inform me that I have a phone call.

Then, if this had happened, I would have gotten REALLY embarrassed when the fire department showed up (after a call from my husband), in the tiny school parking lot. Me still in my jammies. Mady still in her diaper (we wouldn’t have looked the least bit redneck…nah).

And then, maybe they followed me to 2 gas stations (the first one might have had a broken air pump… oh yeah, it could happen), going 15 miles an hour, and then filled my tire with air. Only to insist on following me ALL THE WAY to Hwy 92.

What if, when I arrived at Discount Tire, (fire dept. in tow…ALL the way to the parking lot), I suddenly realize there’s not a female in sight. And I have to wait in a room full of men. For an hour. In my jammies. With my naked 2 year old.

If that had all happened, and I had then come home to a house full of Hispanic contractors, playing mariachi music as loud as possible, in my basement, while I tried to study for an Exam tomorrow. I might be sitting here contemplating a margarita.

But, we’re just speaking hypothetically…right?

How She's Grown...

2009-10-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

(This post is from some time ago...July, I think maybe...and I couldn't get the video clips uploaded at the time. But, it is something I know the far away family will want to see!)

Mady and I had the evening to ourselves. Ash is out on a date with neighbor boy. He came over late this afternoon and asked if he could take her to the Dixie Speedway for the evening. Why not? She loves flying red clay, cheap hot dogs, and loud red-necks yelling over the roar of peices-parts cars. She was more excited than she should have been, being that she has no idea what a stock car is. We'll see what she has to say when she gets home.

This left Mady and I to ponder how fast Ash has grown. Mady pooped out around 8:00, so I've been sitting here, alone, sifting through pictures and re-watching the video of her mastering her 2-wheel bike last week. And after I watched it for the 4th time...I felt it needed sharing. Not just because it's exceptionally boring to everyone but me...but, because there are a few key moments that make me chuckle no matter how many times I watch.

First, note the awful high-waters. She needed something to protect her incredibly boney legs...and we really have no pants that fit her bum and legs at the same time. It's a fashion tragedy, but they served their purpose. Second, John has a seisure about 3 minutes in that makes me laugh and feel sea sick at the same time. I wonder what he was doing? And third for this round, note the toddler helmet that John put her in. I almost choked, trying not to spew my water, the first time I watched it. It won't even sit down on her head...and it's cock-eyed the entire time. PRICELESS!

(I pared down the videos, after months of trying to upload the full ones, into one)

And for Round 2, we'll call this one "Mastery". I love her self confidence. It was neighbor boy who drove her to be determined to master this before school started. After all, you can't have the kindergartener next door, show you up when you're going in to the first grade. Please be advised that about 50 seconds into it, she crashes into the wall, watching it coming the whole time and doing nothing about it...I love it! She wasn't hurt, but it was funny! So, we're proud of her...and we love her! Can you blame us!? She's growing WAY too fast!

(To UPDATE: She got home late that night! WAY after curfew! And when I asked her if she'd had a good time she said, "No. It was really boring. And we had to just sit there, for like 8 hours." So, neighbor boy's attempts at charming her with mud and stock cars bombed. She was quite unimpressed.)

Autumn Evenings...

2009-09-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

Make me remember. Today actually felt like Fall. It was perfect. I soaked it all in...we even went and watched high school football practice after dinner. Takes me back to my favorite fall moments...

Mmm, like huge piles of leaves for jumping, in the front yard of my house on Shadowood Drive. Dangling from the tire swing, upside down. My mom's applesauce pancakes for dinner...always at my brother's request. A drive up to Ellijay for apple butter, and up a winding mountain road to look out at the patchwork of the changing North Georgia trees.

Later, it was football games, snuggled deep inside my favorite wool pea coat. Drives up the Taccoa River on Saturday afternoons at Lee. Or one of my favorites, a mud football game that lasted for hours while I lived just outside of Nashville, we drove home in the back of a pickup truck. 15 of us, piled in the back, filthy, and happy. It was an unbelievably crisp, clear, Fall day.

Now, it's watching my girls rake up one GIANT pile of leaves, and jump in it everyday for weeks. The way my house smells when I burn my favorite pumpkin spice candles, windows thrown open, breeze rustling the curtains. Picking a perfect pumpkin with them both, and sitting in front of the stove as we watch the seeds roast. The first time we build a fire and lay in front of it together, in a big Yoder pile, watching a movie in our sweats.

I could go on...but I'll stop. Go and enjoy a Fall moment of your own. The air is just right for it!

Sleep...

2009-09-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

I'm so curious...when do you think it will come? I mean, really? This isn't my bed bug's fault. He's been away for the past few nights. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to pass out cold, when I'm least expecting it. Maybe it's the craziness at my house? The 3 papers due last week? The 2 books I have to read this week? Ashlin going back to school? Mady being 2? I can't put my finger on it...

But seriously, there are these times in life when you think you might never recover. And then as I'm reading this morning, here's what I find...

"But you, God, shield me on all sides; You ground my feet, you lift my head high; With all my might I shout up to God, His answers thunder from the holy mountain. I stretch myself out. I sleep. Then I'm up again - rested, tall and steady,
Fearless before the enemy mobs Coming at me from all sides. Psalms 3:3-6"

If I'm believing his truth for my life, even in the bustle, I should lay down at night and sleep. Sleep hard. He will be my source. I've been praying this all day! I'm hoping to break the monotony tonight...

Potholes and Tu-tus...

2009-09-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard the southern pothole commercial on the radio, you are missing out. Me and the girls get a serious cackle out of it and we spend the rest of the day listening to Mady suddenly remember it and chuckle to herself..."She's a pot-ho". I'm sure she doesn't know what a pothole is, and it still cracks her up. That's good advertising, Geico! You can see the TV version that's much shorter and a little less humorous below. Still, you'll get the gist.

Mady-Moo also recently started ballet/tumbling class on Friday mornings. She ABSOLUTELY loves it! My girls could not be more different about their love for dance either. They both go to Teaching Little Children (if you have little girls you should consider her...Ash is on the website, too!), a studio that a friend from church owns, she's amazing. But, where Ashlin takes it very seriously, practicing to make sure she has all the steps right; Mady just wants to get in there and shake it! We were watching her last night in Wal-Mart, standing in front of a flat screen, dancing like she was in Fame. Ash was sitting in the floor next to her with a book (she kept looking back at us and rolling her eyes). Personality is everything!

Anyway, I thought she was TOO cute this morning, at the end of class waiting for her stamps...she listened well! I love the little girl sprawled out in the floor behind her! That's being two for ya'!

New Reads...

2009-09-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

I started reading through the Psalms again, recently. They never fail to be healing to my heart. I love thinking about David's life. He was quite the imperfect man. Passionate to a fault. But the words he left on the pages there, tell the story of a man that despite his humanity, loved the Lord with everything he had. He knew that the Lord was his one redeeming quality. He lived out of that. I feel like God honored his raw honesty and always met him where he was, even in the consequences of his mistakes. Doesn't that give you renewed hope somehow? It does me!

I'm waiting on a book from Amazon (a $.29 buy) called "Life Inside The Thin Cage" by Constance Rhodes. A dear friend just finished it. It will be something I'm sure we will spend hours talking over. She found such great stuff in it! I wish it would hurry up and get here!

And at the used bookstore yesterday, I bought a little book by a local author called "The Fireman's Wife" by Jack Griggs. The lady in the bookstore said it was amazing, but terribly sad.

I'm hoping to give my brain some much needed relief from English and Psychology when I can. I'm excited about all of it!

And...we've floated away...

2009-09-22T19:03:00.000-07:00

...Not really. But, Lord, it felt like we would! I finally got out of the house this morning with my girls to go survey the still waiting damage at my house. It's rather humorous at this point, really! John's been stuck in the house since Sunday with no water and partial/faulty electricity. It dawned on me today that he's gone that long without a toilet. I didn't ask him about it. I can only guess.

We won't see the insurance adjuster until Thursday. As you can only guess, they have been swamped. We called this morning to find out that the office itself had been struck by lightening and was flooding. Ironic.

We're pretty sure (after several days of inspection) that the back end of the house was struck by lightening...and SO HARD that when it did, it burst the water main that was sitting in the same corner of the house. It blew off the gutter and some siding. Amazing really. It took out TVs, computers, telephones. It wreaked havoc, one appliance at a time. Even my treasured hair dryer.

I have to say, I'm more than thankful that this was not during one of John's 48 hours of duty. He was home. But, sadly it's consumed his vacation that was intended for anniversary-ing. We'll find something fun to do...soon. I'm sure of it!

SO...for family who had no idea we had traded our crisp fall air, for Florida's hurricane season...here's just a taste of what it's been like at home the past few days. I took the Envoy in today and traded it for a nice little paddle boat. It'll be cute in the carpool line.

575 at the Hwy 92 Exit. Just below the house. Do you see the car underwater in the left lanes? Insane!

Town Lake Pkwy. at 575. The Dunkin Donuts on the other side of the bride was more than halfway underwater. I love the end, when the boys in red move right along, on to their next swift water rescue. John was glad to be off on vacation...seeing that most of Buckhead and Peachtree were underwater all day Monday!

This one kinda makes me giggle...long pauses and zooming in on the trickle over the road's edge. But, it's a great view of Arnold Mill.

And this is 92...hard to believe all of this!

A Monument...

2009-09-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

Today, the 21st, marks 8 years since the day that I walked down the aisle to stand beside John and become his wife. Seems like a breath ago. And at the same time, like a century has passed since that day. Our lives are SO full. We truly have been blessed.

We came home from church yesterday to disaster...so unpleasant. The water main in the house exploded behind our extra refrigerator in the garage. When it exploded it caused a HUGE electrical surge that blew out the power in the house and took out lots of appliances, our telephones...other odds and ends that were plugged in. John and I stood in the basement, ankle deep in water, scratching our heads. I really wish I had thought to get out the video camera. It was quite a spectacle. Like Niagara Falls, on a much smaller scale. I've never seen so much water gushing up out of such a little hole. So, we have no water. No electricity. And my Christmas tree and high school year book are floating around in my basement.

Seems like there's always something, right? But, this morning as I'm here at my mom's with the girls and he's at home waiting on the insurance company, I was thinking about how ironic this all is.

Instead of the wedding march, I came down the aisle to "Be Thou My Vision", played on a classical guitar (it was truly beautiful, but that's beside the point at the moment). It was a statement I wanted to make loudly. That our intent was to come together, devoted to Him and his purpose for our lives. Choosing to make him 'Our Vision'. And it is moments like these, where our plans are thwarted, faith is tested, frustration is easy...that we really have to decide if we believe these words.

Our lives together, like most people's, have been a lot like this the past 8 years. Time and time again, even in our every day living, things are undone, unplanned, not the way we wanted them. But, the constant from day one, has been God's faithfulness. More than we could have ever imagined. More than we deserve.

The Israelites built monuments to remind themselves of God's faithfulness. They were a reference point, so that they could tell generation after generation of what God had done. I love that! Joshua is one of my favorite books in the bible because of these stories. And I wanted to make this point in our marriage...8 years, a monument for us, just the same. We have so many stories (I'm married to a fireman, so life always keeps me guessing), some are good, some are sad, but all of them point back to God's unending faithfulness! I want the rest of our lives to be a testimony of this...that even in the chaos (and floating Christmas trees), we were found in him. That he was our vision.

So, Happy Anniversary, JR! I love you more and more, every day!

This Independant Sleeper's Lament...

2009-09-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

I have always been a pretty affectionate person. I love hugs, back rubs, touches of the hand. It's one of the ways I connect with people, too. Grabbing elbows, playing with hair. I do it so much that sometimes I don't think about the fact that others aren't always okay with the lady in the grocery store, gently rubbing their back while they tell me why Kashi GoLean Crunch is there favorite too!

But, my mother has always been baffled by the fact that when I get in bed at night, I turn into this other person...I sprout an alter ego. I become mildly violent, when even gently brushed by someone else in the bed.

She likes to tell a story about my best friend from Sprayberry High going on vacation with us Senior year. Every night we'd start out laying in bed chatting and laughing, then Erin would nod off to sleep and I'd be left to lay there looking at the ceiling, petrified that she might roll over and touch my feet with hers. So, I'd slip off downstairs and sleep on the couch. Apparently, this was totally unacceptable, as Erin and my mother were both irritated with me every morning. I really wasn't trying to be rude! But, how's a girls 'spose to sleep with all that feet rubbing going through her mind?

Then, when I got married, my parents made sure that John was well aware of my night-time madness. And, he seemed to think it wouldn't be a problem. I loved him, after all. He quickly realized that they were serious when I locked him out of our hotel room the night we got married (totally unintentional, I fell asleep)...it was a subconscious way of getting my last few hours of uninterrupted sleep in, before sharing my bed with him forever. And he's been very persistent, he's a co-sleeper. He likes to snuggle, much to my horror.

He laughs and says he knows he has a good 15 minutes of snuggle time (this is after years of REAL effort on my part). Then, like clock work, I'll kiss his nose, flip my hair, turn over on my stomach, push my toes off the end of the bed, and tuck my hands in under my tummy. And he knows the "Please Don't Touch" sign has gone up.

Still, he can't help himself, even fast asleep (he blames it on spending most nights in a twin size bunk by himself...he misses me), he seems to find me. Wrapping his leg around mine. Throwing an arm over my back. Sticking his nose in my hair. I think it's intentional. He swears it's not.

At this point in my busy life, I fall in bed at night exhausted. And even though I don't sleep well when he's not here, those two nights a week that he is home, I am laying there ALL NIGHT thinking about a deserted island with a king size bed, just for me. Last night, with his leg thrown over my back, I couldn't lay there anymore. So I got up and read my amazingly boring Lit. book, thinking I'd be out quick. No luck. And when he left this morning at 5:30, I'd just gotten to sleep. I wanted to throw that alarm clock at him as he lazily yawned and asked me to turn it off, kissing my forehead (he went to bed at 8:00, and got more than 9 HOURS OF SLEEP). Violent. I know. I told you I can't help myself.

So, maybe I shouldn't complain about the snuggliness of my husband. I'm terribly lucky, there. But, really, a girl's gotta get some sleep!

(Totally random picture. And completely unrelated. But, it makes me terribly happy. Quite a John moment. And if you know Benjy, it makes it even funnier.)

My Ashlin...

2009-09-10T16:25:00.000-07:00

Is quite the heart breaker these days. In more ways than one.

She has quite a few neighborhood suitors of all ages and stages. This makes John supremely irritated. They show up at our door like puppy dogs begging to see her (and remember she's only six). She is always un-impressed and really confused as to why they are showing up and asking for her. Neighbor boy is the most persistent. Sometimes he sits on our porch for hours waiting for her to finish her homework so that she can come ride bikes with him. I'm afraid he's going to be hard to get rid of.

And then, she's quite the sweetheart. As she just came downstairs, snuck in under my arms, wrapped her arms around my neck, nuzzled in close. And says, "Mommy, I'm afraid I can't go to school tomorrow."

"Why?"

"I'm afraid that I'm going to miss you too much. It's making my heart hurt right now."

And what do you say to that? When I wish sometimes, that I could do just that...keep her home, safe with me. So, I reassured her that tomorrow was Friday, and that daddy would be home Saturday. She sniffled and wiped her eyes, and decided she could make it one more day.

How I love her.

We DID It...

2009-09-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

And had a blast! I know that I've mentioned training for the US10k for the past 2 months with some lovely ladies on Saturday mornings! It's been incredibly fun! And though we lost most of our group today...3 of us went (me, Heather, and Jessica), and SO enjoyed the experience!

I went to pick up race packets for me and Heather yesterday morning, and got to drive the race route. A road I've ridden hundreds of time, I just never thought about traveling it on foot! This particular race is world renowned because of it's hills. And so it draws an enormous amount of people and professional runners. The number I heard yesterday was 35,000. Crazy right!? We learned this morning that it was more like 15,000, but still that's a LOT of people in one place, doing the same thing!

We had to be there STUPID early, so we left the house this morning at 5:45. It was still dark as we made our way across the parking lot at Cumberland Mall. There were 2huge hot air balloons, that we never did figure out what they did with, but they were cool to watch. And then we waited in a line for half an hour to use port-a-potties! Awesome!

(Random hot air balloons in the parking lot at 6:30 this morning)

We made our way to the starting line and huddled above it in the crowd. We kept talking about how few people it looked like there were, thinking the numbers had to be off. From where we stood we could only see a few 100. We watched the bikers take off (they did a 100k), then those in wheelchairs (amazing), then the in-line skaters. Runners, walkers, and balance walkers (never heard of them? yeah, me either, until today...I'll show you) were last, and before we took off, they dropped some sky divers (very cool!) and led us all in some morning jazzercise to warm us all up (FUNNY!).

(Standing above the finish line. See? It doesn't look like many people at all!)

(Sky divers, dropping in during opening ceremonies.)

(The American flag dropping in during an interesting version of the national anthem...really cool to watch!)

And after a very wrong version of the star spangled banner...we were off! In almost an instant, the few hundred we could see turned into thousands. It was AMAZING to watch! Of course, Heather because of the competitive chick she is, TOOK OFF! Jess and I followed after as hard as we could, but soon we couldn't see her anymore (did I mention she's 5 months pregnant)!

(We forgot to snap a picture before we took off. We tried to take on and not get run over! Early morning, no make-up, excercise ready beauty at its best!)

(Heather leaving us in the dust. Look at all the people...and that's nothing. Soon, we could see them for miles in both directions. It was AMAZING!)

(This guy was rockin' the poles! This is what Balanced Walking looks like!)

(At the finish, looking back! We did it!)

We had SO much fun, and I'm so glad that they were with me...it's something you could get addicted to, easily! We're already planning a Thanksgiving Gobble Jog training calendar!

I love all of you ladies...a WHOLE BUNCH! Thanks for your time and friendship and Saturday mornings!

Pasgetti...

2009-09-03T17:46:00.000-07:00

I made a very rare pot of spaghetti tonight for dinner. Last week John had requested my turkey lasagna, one for a friend and one for the station, so it was an all day affair. I doubled everything up so that I'd have sauce to freeze. Which made dinner fantastically quick! I love that!

Ash has had a long week and didn't want to eat, which is typical. She's not a big eater anyway. So, she pushed her spaghetti around, ate some lettuce, and a few nibbles of bread. Mady, on the other hand, could not have been more thrilled! She was wide-eyed from the get-go! She finished her bowl and with her pink fork in the air, gleefully shouted "Mo', please!" I gave her Ashlin's untouched bowl and she worked her way through ALMOST the whole thing!

(I love that John pulled her hair back before dinner. It looks like she's been wrestling with mountain lions! This is why he's not often on hair duty when he's home!)

We'd excused Ashlin to go lay on the couch for her evening little bit of iCarly before bed. And Mady sat and savored every bite. John and I cleaned. Still, she sat. That girl loves some spaghetti! We finally pried her away from the table, where she went to lay in the floor next to Ash in a carb induced coma! John literally had to carry her to bed. She was listless...funny!

Where you are...

2009-09-02T06:33:00.000-07:00

I talked to a friend yesterday afternoon, one of my favorites. And she is in a really hard place at the moment. Exhausted. Feeling helpless. Caught off guard by where she is at the moment. And, because I love her, I want to help her...fix her. Impossible, I know. But, it's hard to watch those you love suffer. All I can offer her is my love and support, and the fact that she knows I would do anything I could to help.

She's been a voice in my life over the past few months, as I've dealt with some really difficult things that left me feeling the same way. Exhausted. Feeling helpless. Caught off guard by where I am. One thing she's said to me over and over again, is "Are you REALLY okay?" And my answer has been "Yes." Because holding myself together has felt like my only option. I've felt that if I stopped to grieve, I might not recover, might not be able to do all that I have on my plate. I don't think she's ever believed that I was really ok, but she's loved me through it anyway.

Monday night, God sought me out. And in a way that I couldn't continue to hold myself together, he asked me to let go. I'm quite private (other than publicly blogging my way through life...hehe!) about my personal struggles, and I actually HATE being the center of attention. So, in the middle of a room full of people that I love, he used their voices to speak to my heart. And I was broken...loudly broken. And months of grief held back to protect myself came flooding out.

After I talked with my dear friend yesterday, I realized that the way I love her, the way I feel watching her struggle, God feels for me times 1000 or more. And that he ACTUALLY DOES have the ability to meet my needs, where I can only wish for that with my friend.

God will always meet you where you are. But sometimes, being willing for him to meet you there is hard. For me, at this moment, it means grieving, hurting, and letting God be with me in the pain. Not one of my favorite things. And I don't really know how to do it, and still take care of all of life's business. Grief tends to overcome me...(if you're a Sanguine personality, then you feel me [psychological babble, I know]) But, I do want to accept all he's giving. Live in the love he's offering. So, I'll take one day at a time!

To my sweet friend, who knows who she is, I love you so very much. Thank you for loving me!

...on a much lighter note...I wanted to say "War Eagle, HEY!" I'm gearing up for college football in my house divided!

Give Us This Day...

2009-09-01T16:03:00.000-07:00

...Our daily bread. I did it! My first loaf of bread since I was pregnant with Mady! And I was pretty successful! The girls snacked on it all afternoon. It's whole wheat and honey and oh, so yummy! This may spur a baking spree...

Monday randomness...

2009-08-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

Just for giggles, because this picture makes me insanely happy, here's John hard at work. Atlanta's finest! This is SO John!

Moving on...

Monday's are usually my re-evaluation point. The day where I re-group, re-calendar, re-organize. Today has been no different. I've just had a few kinks thrown in here and there.

John is home. He's not really a kink, because I've been able to run around without the girls, and things have gone a bit quicker that way. Grocery store. Bank. Wal-Mart. But he hurt his back yesterday and every time I walk through the room he asks me if I'll fix his back. Massage Therapy was definitely not my calling. So, every time I try, we end up rolling around in the floor and laughing so hard it makes his back hurt worse. I'm hoping if I keep my head down and stop making eye contact with him when I walk through the room, maybe he'll stop asking. But, he's really nice to look at, so that's going to be hard.

Ashlin has been running a fever since yesterday evening and so she's home today. Confined to her room. And God love her, she's quite high maintenance when she doesn't feel well. So, I've been in and out of her room a little over 500 times since 7:00 this morning, when she woke up. She finally went to sleep for a bit. WHEW~

Mady has been dancing around the house with her arms out, singing, in her underwear all day today (this is not an exaggeration). John keeps asking me if she does this all the time. She doesn't. So, I'm hoping this isn't the beginning of the mysterious illness for her also...dementia setting in or something. She went down for a nap shortly after Ash.

I was determined (after a conversation about bread machines in my kitchen on Saturday), to make bread today. And when I started prepping dinner, I realized I was really over shooting things with that plan. From what I remember about my bread making days, it takes QUITE a bit of time with the machine. Maybe tomorrow when I'm not running an infirmary.

I need to take my car to our awesome mechanic and friend, this afternoon, and leave it. I have a meeting tonight. I have to go pick up my books for school sometime this afternoon. And, I still have to walk my 3 miles.

So, why are you blogging? You might ask.

Well, I've made a spot for me everyday, and regardless of what I have to do, I write. It hasn't been my blog for awhile, but I have a memory stick full of pages from my afternoon sessions. It is my gift to me. And something I find more necessary the busier we get. Do you have things like that, necessities in the chaos? Others of mine include my bible, lots of music, my quiet time.

More Monday randomness...

As I logged on to my facebook account EARLY this morning, I saw that my sister-in-law, whom I love dearly, had tagged me in some photos! Ooohhh fun, I thought! Now, she knows I love her dearly, and that I'm only using this as an example for the many other times this has happened...and she wasn't the culprit!

I start scrolling through the album. The first picture I see is my cutey-patootie nephew. We had a party a few weeks ago, and somehow, a bunch of us ended up lounging in the grass in my backyard, waiting for dinner. And he ended up tryin to EAT the grass, so Dena decided to snap some shots.

Here it is...so stinkin' cute!

Then there was this...(do you see me?)

And then this...

And wait, this...

And here it is...me...all of me...oblivious to the impromptu photo session that just occurred...

Then I saw this, and realized that not one of us knew Dena was snapping pictures...

Funny! And the thing is, there's lots more shots of my torso and Sami's head. It made me wonder how many pictures I'm in that I'm clueless about. Where are they? Are they floatin' around the internet, on someone else's facebook page? And when folks look at it do they say, "Hey, who's that, and why does she look so angry?" Cause I DO NOT look happy in these pictures. And I was having a party...SAD!

So, here's to your new week! Hoping your Monday is as eventful as mine! Everyone happy, healthy, and ready for new adventures!

My heart...

2009-08-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

There is almost nothing more beautiful to me, than my girls and their daddy. They miss him terribly. Talk about him often. And eat him up when he's home. These are the moments that are getting him by right now. Isn't it beautiful?

(taken at a friend's wedding in the Chapel at Callaway Gardens)

Our Louis...

2009-08-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

About 3 weeks ago, I was on the phone with my best friend Jennifer. I had gone downstairs to get a roll of paper towels or toilet paper off of the shelf in our unfinished room. I had stopped and was sitting in a chair we have stored down there, just chatting with Jenn, when I notice out of the corner of my eye something moving. I looked up to see a baby frog hop across the room, as though he owned the place, not the least bit concerned with me. And I had a small panic attack! I HATE ALL THINGS AMPHIBION!! Send me hate mail if you like. But, I have to deal with snakes in the yard, by myself, on a regular basis. And sue me, but I'm just not a fan of the cold-blooded creatures!

I hung up the phone with Jen. I called my mom. I called John. No one was concerned. In fact, they laughed at me. And I think John even said, "You called me for this? I'm at a house fire, babe! I'm gonna have to call you back." Well yes, I called you for this! I'm sure I'm not going to be able to catch him. And how am I going to sleep knowing he's down here?

The girls plopped themselves down on the concrete floor, cross-legged and laughing, to watch me try and wrangle the tiny frog. He seemed to think it was a game. And after a long while at unsuccessful attempts on catching him...I gave up. And, instead, tiny frog proofed the door to our family room dowstairs.

(Here he is in all his glory! Hangin' out under the pool table we have stored. This seems to be his favorite place.)

Mady was initially taken by the tiny fellow. She was down on her hands and knees talking to him, and belly laughing anytime he moved. Ash has enough of me in her that she was content to watch from a distance, unimpressed by his green and hoppy attempt at cuteness.

I left the garage door opened for days, sure that he'd let himself out after a rain. But, apparently he likes the accomodations here way to much to go back out to the creek. What was I thinking?!

So, he's taken up residency here. We've named him (or the girls named him...Louis, as in St. Louis without the St.) We talk to him every morning as we go down to get in the car. We stop and have a chat about the weather and what he thinks about the health care reform. Mady is smitten. She's his biggest fan. And has to come down several times a day to check on him. Ohhhhhh me.

(This is her Louis face! How she loves him!)

(Talking to Louis. Please don't judge the fact that she has an empty baby Tylenol bottle in her mouth. She gave up the paci recently, and found the bottle this week. She sucks on it, on and off, and growls at you if you attempt to take it away. Only Mady. One step at a time, I say...one step at a time!)

(One last good look at Louis...aww, isn't he cute! GAG!)

At this point, I'm indifferent. He's not bothering us. He simply likes it here. I guess I should be flattered.

So, here's to Louis and his efforts to stomp out amphibion prejudice, one household of girls at a time.

I swear I don't have ADD...

2009-08-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

...I know that if you read this, you're pretty sure that I do. But, if you read this then you know me, and know that maybe at the moment I have a little more on my plate than I need. Hard to shave off all of the necessary, so, I'm kinda stuck juggling things for the moment. I'm not feeling overwhelmed...maybe like I don't have enough hands, but I'm dealing. But, for a few weeks I'm blog crazy, then I disappear, there really has been good reason.

When school started, about 3 weeks ago now, I was thrown back into ELEMENTARY SCHOOL SHOCK! Seriously, I don't remember it being SO stressful when I was in 1st grade. But, I guess I have the CRCT to thank for that...but, that's another post and I don't need to open that can of worms...I won't stop for days, and we'll all be crying when I'm finished.

I DO think things are beginning to settle back into our normal rhythm, and I'm glad for that. I've barely had time to check email and make sure that all of my i's are dotted for MY fall semester. So, I'm hoping as normalcy returns I'll be able to come back to one of my favorite forms of therapy...writing, venting, spewing with words...it's very helpful!

I failed on my attempts to post "The Love Dare", and although I've continued, I hate I didn't share it with you....so, later I'm going to post the link to the site, so you can catch up and do it on your own! SO WORTH IT!

I have lots to look forward to in the coming months! We, THE YODER'S, have lots to look forward to!

* The US 10K, on Labor Day! Me and some fantastic friends have been walking Saturday mornings to get ready. We've laughed, made fun, and generally had way too much fun getting ready! I'm excited to join them in the hot sun as we tackle Hwy. 41 together!

* Our 8 Year Anniversary! Seems like yesterday, seriously!

* FALL SEMESTER AS A FULL TIME STUDENT! I'm stoked! Mainly because I'd love to be finished...like yesterday, but I REALLY love what I'm doing. AND, I just changed my major (Psycholgy: Christian Counseling), and couldn't be more excited about the possibilities there!

* Coffee and Conversation is back in my living room! What's Coffee and Conversation, you ask? It is the fantastic group of ladies that meet in my living room, once a month. It is normally 2 hours of organized chaos that has led to some really rewarding relationships in my life. But, we usually take the summers out and about, so ALL of the children aren't trapped inside as we try and carry on civilized conversation about something other than diapers. We're trying
something new this Fall and I can't wait to see what God does! I feel like he's really got some great things for us!

* Family camping trip! ALL of the Yoder's are going north in September for a Fall camping trip. John and I have a favorite spot in Blue Ridge, near the Drive-In, on the river...where we love to camp! We're planning on taking EVERYONE during Fall break. Aunts, Uncles, cousins...I can't wait!

* A trip to 'BAMA! Going to see family! Family I've missed terribly! A trip is long over-due!

Lots to look forward to! And I can't wait for each of them! I'm really seeking God these days for his order in my days...feel like it's very necessary! So, I'm hoping you have something great to look forward to in the coming months!

This time of year is seriously my favorite! I long for it as soon as it's gone! The leaves changing soon, the crisp air, sweaters and blue jeans...mmmm! Good Stuff! And I am always remembering Fall's in my past that take me back to places in Nashville, or a mountaintop in Chattanooga, walks up Kennesaw, a big pile of leaves in my yard on Shadowood Drive...

The Love Dare...Day 11...

2009-07-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

Day 11: Love cherishes

Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.

—Ephesians 5:28

TODAY’S DARE

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish you” and do it with a smile.

Picture Pages, Picture Pages...

2009-07-17T05:20:00.000-07:00

A recent trip to Callaway for a wedding...that was so beautiful! It was CRAZY hot! But we enjoyed the day out! For you far away Yoder relatives...

Last, but not least, Mady's recent masterpiece on the fireplace (and wall, and hope chest, and television...)! Enjoy, as your skin crawls thinking about the hours it took to un-do this!

The Love Dare...Day 10...

2009-07-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

...Have you tried it? What do you think? I have to say, I didn't realize how powerful taking the focus off of yourself was going to be. This is good stuff!

Day 10: Love is unconditional

God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

—Romans 5:8

TODAY’S DARE

Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse—something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

Have you seen...

2009-07-16T12:36:00.001-07:00

The movie "Once"? I haven't thought about it in awhile, but I found the soundtrack this morning and am haunted by the music again...haunted in a good way!

This movie is SO not for everyone. Just the artsy and gutsy. It's a musical that's a bit hard to follow with a sudden and unsatisfying resolution. I know you want to run right out and get it!

But, I found it in the oddest way. Stretching to a song from it at the end of a workout, I had to ask where the song came from. Then weeks later after unsuccessfully trying to rent "The Color Purple"(another haunting favorite) to watch with a friend, we ended up watching it instead because I happened upon it at the check out counter.

We ate dinner, watched, scratched our heads, and parted ways. I wasn't instantly blown away. But, I found myself at the computer the next morning downloading the soundtrack...I hadn't been able to let it go. And I thought about it for weeks after that.

So...take a listen...and if you're brave...take a watch this weekend over some dinner with friends.

A first...

2009-07-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

I took the 7 month old love of my life (remember I have 3 others, one in his 30's, one six, and one two) to swimming lessons today. It was only 10 minutes long, but painful. Very effective, but hard to watch!

The Love Dare...Day 9...

2009-07-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

Day 9: Love makes good impressions

Greet one another with a kiss of love.

—1 Peter 5:14

TODAY’S DARE

Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

The Love Dare...Day 8...

2009-07-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

Day 8: Love is not jealous

Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire.

—Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV

TODAY’S DARE
Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

The Love Dare...Day 7...

2009-07-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

Day 7: Love believes the best

[Love] believes all things, hopes all things.

—1 Corinthians 13:7

TODAY’S DARE

For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

The Love Dare...Day 6...

2009-07-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

Day 6: Love is not irritable

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

—Proverbs 16:32

TODAY’S DARE

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

The Love Dare...Day 5...

2009-07-12T12:17:00.000-07:00

Day 5: Love is not rude

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him.

—Proverbs 27:14

TODAY’S DARE

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

The Love Dare...Day 4...

2009-07-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

Day 4: Love is thoughtful

How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . .How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.

—Psalm 139:17–18

TODAY’S DARE

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

The Love Dare...Day 3...

2009-07-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

Excuse the long pause...I've had internet issues!

Day 3: Love is not selfish

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.

—Romans 12:10

TODAY’S DARE

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It’s hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today.”

The Love Dare...Day 2...

2009-07-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

Day 2: Love is kind

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

—Ephesians 4:32

TODAY’S DARE

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.